A month ago you were drunk by now

JUST one month ago you had already downed several glasses of Prosecco by this time, it has been confirmed.  

Exactly 31 days, or ‘sleeps’, have passed since you awoke on December 25th, opened wrapped parcels and spent the day indulging yourself with your loved ones, unreal as that now seems.

Hairdresser Emma Bradford said: “It feels more like six months, since we began the long, grey trudge through the dark, cold January wasteland.

“I was a different person then, with my paper crown and snowman jumper. I smiled, sometimes. I was still capable of kindness. I ate more than 800 calories a day.

“It can’t have been real. I can’t have been alternating pigs-in-blankets and Lindor at noon while watching Top of the Pops. It isn’t even on anymore.”

Tom Logan of Braintree said: “It happened. I clearly remember the warmth and bonhomie for my fellow man I felt after three single malts at six o’clock.

“Odd, because now they can all piss off.”

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Synthetic DNA 'could create Brexiter who is not a bellend'

SCIENTISTS have created synthetic DNA that could lead to new life forms, including a Brexit supporter who is not an infuriating git.

The Institute for Studies said the development had profound implications for normal people who want to go to the pub or use Facebook without becoming simultaneously angry and bored.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “By fusing together some tiny bits of weird stuff you can create something that, while believing in Brexit, does actually listen to other points of view and accepts that the process of withdrawal from the European Union will not be ridiculously straightforward.

“The creature will not froth at the mouth or use terms like ‘Bremoaner’ or ‘snowflake’. And it may even have a sense of humour.”

He added: “It will also look like an octopus had sex with a giraffe.”