A popping turbocharger, and the other noises that herald the approach of a knobhead

HARK! Is that the sound of a knobhead in a modded-up Golf? How courteous to noisily warn us of his impending presence. Listen for these sounds: 

Popping turbo charger

Unlike the joyful mini-explosion of a party popper, the sound of a turbocharger on a pimped-up Subaru does not herald good times. With the smoked-glass window acting as an exhaust for weed fumes there’s no mistaking the arrival of a class A knobhead. Heed the warning and avoid.

Thumping tunes

A bass riff vibrating through tarmac like a minor earthquake could go either way: boy racer in a Citroen Saxo, or middle-aged marketing knobhead in a gleaming Volvo SUV with full service history, a boot full of multi-use compost and the full works of Snoop Dogg downloaded onto his iPhone 13 Pro Max? Either way’s a twat.

Panting pit bull

Short, stocky, drooling at the mouth and ready for a fight, then you look down and see they’re holding the lead of a pit bull. This boy and his dog take no prisoners on the streets, and the panting is sufficient warning to get out of the way of this pavement-dominating tool.

The bellowing of an arsehole name

Could be a middle-class mum shouting Isambard, could be an underclass mum calling Mason. Whichever, it means there’s a child with no limits on their vile behaviour coming your way and whether the follow-up shout is ‘Get out of that direct sunlight’ or ‘Give me back my WKD you little shit’, you should leave before the child happens to you.

Twat ringtone

The klaxon of a Mr Boombastic or some f**king meme ringtone is a sure sign of an approaching knobhead. Such is this monster’s need for attention that, like Medusa, he will petrify you into listening to the excruciating show-off bullshit of his business call before you can launch his phone into a well.

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Five cool celebrities from your youth who are old and shit now

BACK then they were iconoclastic counter-culture heroes. Now they’re decrepit and embarrassing. These five are sad testaments to your vanished youth: 


He was always earnest, but from about 1987-1993 Bono fronted the biggest band in the world, backed all manner of righteous causes and was passably cool. Now he’s a pious prick who writes shite, cringey poems about St Patrick? Getting older is inevitable. Becoming what Bono’s become isn’t.


Speaking of 80s heroes who thoroughly f**ked it, Morrissey’s all-downward trajectory has been devastating for Smiths fans and vegetarians alike. If having a preferred UKIP leadership candidate isn’t a sign that your mid-life crisis has seen you come out the other end a twat, what is?

Johnny Depp

Johnny was an icon of cool, starring in indie flicks and dating the most gorgeous women in the world. Until, clearly exhausted by his own coolness, he started doing shit big-budget films, smuggling dogs into Australia and being kind of a sad drunk dickhead.


Another win for the mononyms, Madonna was a scandalous and unapologetic starlet who inspired a generation of women to break the rules. Unafraid of media mockery, she proved that you can still do cool pop music in your late 40s. And now she’s Botoxed to her ears and spends her days spouting bollocks on social media.

Ben Elton

Impeccably left-wing in glittery suits, Ben stuck it to the motherf**king man every Friday night in the late 80s, tearing the Thatcher government a new one and convincing a whole generation they’d be the ones to change things. Today he churns out novels and does Queen musicals and half his old fans vote Tory.