HARK! Is that the sound of a knobhead in a modded-up Golf? How courteous to noisily warn us of his impending presence. Listen for these sounds:
Popping turbo charger
Unlike the joyful mini-explosion of a party popper, the sound of a turbocharger on a pimped-up Subaru does not herald good times. With the smoked-glass window acting as an exhaust for weed fumes there’s no mistaking the arrival of a class A knobhead. Heed the warning and avoid.
Thumping tunes
A bass riff vibrating through tarmac like a minor earthquake could go either way: boy racer in a Citroen Saxo, or middle-aged marketing knobhead in a gleaming Volvo SUV with full service history, a boot full of multi-use compost and the full works of Snoop Dogg downloaded onto his iPhone 13 Pro Max? Either way’s a twat.
Panting pit bull
Short, stocky, drooling at the mouth and ready for a fight, then you look down and see they’re holding the lead of a pit bull. This boy and his dog take no prisoners on the streets, and the panting is sufficient warning to get out of the way of this pavement-dominating tool.
The bellowing of an arsehole name
Could be a middle-class mum shouting Isambard, could be an underclass mum calling Mason. Whichever, it means there’s a child with no limits on their vile behaviour coming your way and whether the follow-up shout is ‘Get out of that direct sunlight’ or ‘Give me back my WKD you little shit’, you should leave before the child happens to you.
Twat ringtone
The klaxon of a Mr Boombastic or some f**king meme ringtone is a sure sign of an approaching knobhead. Such is this monster’s need for attention that, like Medusa, he will petrify you into listening to the excruciating show-off bullshit of his business call before you can launch his phone into a well.
