Achievements to be restricted to over 30s

PEOPLE under 30 are to be banned from achieving any kind of success.

A new law prohibits talents young adults from publicly flourishing before their thirtieth birthday, so as to make older people feel less shit about having accomplished nothing.

46-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I’m sick to death of hearing about some wildly successful film or book or business start-up, then Googling its creator to find out they were born in fucking 1988.

“Life, for me, is a pendulum that swings steadily between boredom and disappointment.

“However, it is comforting to know that I’ll never again wake up to discover some 24-year-old has been long-listed for the Man Booker Prize, or there’s a GCSE student who’s just sold their app for six bastard figures.”

Ministers admitted that the law may have adverse effects in some fields – most notably sport, where athletes will now be several years past their physical prime before they are permitted to compete professionally.