Adults wearing mittens

AN increasing number of British adults are wearing mittens.

As temperatures drop, there have been numerous sightings of fully-grown humans opting to wear sleeping bags on their hands instead of normal gloves.

Psychologist Nikki Hollis said: “Even if they do keep wearers’ hands marginally warmer, this benefit is overshadowed by the fact that they turn hands into useless woollen slabs that can’t do, hold or open anything.

“It’s almost as if the mitten wearers want other adults to do things for them because their hands are just too snuggly- fucking-wuggly.”

Hollis added: “We must therefore conclude that adults who wear mittens also own onesies and their favourite television programme is In the Night Garden.”

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How to practice 'self-care' when you can’t just get pissed

ALCOHOL takes the edge of most difficult situations, but how can you make yourself feel better when getting hammered isn’t entirely appropriate?

Stuff your face
So-called ‘experts’ will tell you that comfort eating isn’t a good idea, but try telling that to anyone who has ever enjoyed the numbing effects of an entire Baked Alaska.

Don’t try to meditate
Attempting to achieve the almost impossible task of emptying your mind of all thoughts is actually quite stressful. Watching an episode of Bargain Hunt will be easier and produce much the same effect.

Almost go for a run
Running produces endorphins, but so does getting changed into exercise clothes, opening the door and deciding it’s probably going to rain, and lying on the sofa instead.
Talk to yourself like your best friend would
Hopefully your best friend is the type of person who would say ‘Snap put of it, you miserable bastard, you’re perfectly fine’, rather than indulging your pathetic worries.

Road rage
Let off steam in the car by shouting, swearing, sobbing and generally having a massive tantrum like the emotional three-year old that you still are.