Airbeds voted best way of preventing house guests

PUTTING guests up on an inflatable mattress has been proven the most effective way of ensuring nobody stays overnight.

Experts have confirmed that airbeds, bought for £13 from a supermarket earlier that afternoon and half-pumped up that afternoon, send a clear message from hosts to guests about how welcome they truly are.

Carolyn Ryan of Leeds said: “I moved house, broke the sofa-bed, and got an air mattress in for Christmas. I haven’t had any of them overnight since.

“Whether it’s my elderly parents sleeping on basically a fat mat on the floor, my sister’s kids waking them up by using it as a trampoline, or friends who have to pump it up themselves pissed at 2am, they all hate it.

“They should market them as ‘100 per cent effective house guest prevention’. Or your money back.”

Stephen Malley, aged 32, agreed: “My old futon was just comfortable enough for people to stay for a couple of nights without needing more than three chiropractic appointments.

“Since I swapped it for an air bed, I’ve been guest-free. I love my friends and family but not like weekends.”

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Man horrified to discover he has two children and a mortgage

A MAN has been shocked by the realisation that he has two children and a mortgage.

38-year-old Joseph Cook woke this morning to discovery two small-gremlin like creatures bouncing on his bed, one of which wore a nappy full of shit.

He said: “I was woken from a blissful dream by a smell-arsed goblin sitting on my face, demanding ‘juice’. I screamed, and a woman wearing pyjamas rushed into the room.

“She explained that we had been married for eight years and the mewling homunculi were our children and we have to look after them forever.

“I was like ‘fuck’. She went on to explain that the place we were in was ‘our house’, which we had bought with money borrowed off the bank and we have to pay off every month.

“I asked how long that would be going on for and she said ‘until we die’. I was like ‘oh shit’.

“Then she said, ‘I’m going to work, sort the kids out, stop drinking so much, and by the way you work in an office’, and slammed the door in a moody way.