Alarming rise in number of local 'characters'

THERE has been a worrying increase in the number of annoying local eccentrics across the UK.

The Institute for Studies found there are more local weirdos than ever before, doing things like wearing extremely strange clothes and playing tin whistles in shopping precincts.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “From cider-swigging ranters doing kung fu moves in the streets of South London to top-hatted jugglers in Bristol, we are facing an epidemic of ‘characters’.

“In the past local characters were relatively inconspicuous individuals who simply wandered around with a mysterious carrier bag and had angry conversations with the ducks in the park.

“But now we’re seeing attention-seeking oddbods everywhere. People with silver bowler hats and roller skates smoking a spliff. Men taking beards to new levels of stupidity. Ageing crusties sneering at you for being ‘square’.

“It is now completely normal to walk through a town centre and have your young son ask, ‘Daddy, what’s that green-haired man doing with that ferret?’”

Local character Ozzie ‘Rat’ Thompson said: “I’m not begging but if you don’t give me some money I’m getting the bongos out.”

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Absolute arse wants you to guess how much everything in his house cost

A WEALTHY arsehole likes to make visitors guess the cost of his extremely over-priced belongings.

City lawyer Nathan Muir invites friends over mainly to demonstrate his superior wealth, but also to laugh at their ignorance of how much luxury items cost.

Muir said: “There’s nothing better than a relaxed evening with a few friends who are blown away by my amazingness when they find out my stereo cost £11,000.

“I like to invite them over for drinks then badger them with questions like, ‘Did you catch the Audi in the driveway? How much d’you think that bad boy set me back? Go on, guess. Guess! GUESS!’

“When they can’t work out it’s a 70k top-of-the-range model I’ll hit them with some playful banter like, ‘Wrong! But what did I expect from a pov with a second-hand Golf?’”

Friend Tom Booker said: “To be honest most of us only go over so we can do impressions in the pub of Nathan wanking on about his casserole dish that cost £3,500.”