Alcohol price rise would reduce everyone's food intake

A MINIMUM alcohol price would make Britons cut back on less essential items like food, it has been claimed.

Government plans to charge a fixed price per alcohol unit has left millions concerned they would be forced to stop consuming solids.

Office worker Stephen Malley said: “It’s already tough getting drunk every evening. If the price goes up any more I’ll just have to hope beer has enough nutritional value to keep me alive.

“Any booze price rise should be restricted to drinks with ‘Turbo’ in the name or a fist on the can, to ensure middle class people like me aren’t affected.”

Meanwhile a loose coalition of street drinkers in a park has offered to meet David Cameron for a fight after responding to the plans with angry, largely incoherent protests.

Drinker Tom Logan said: “If Cameron fucking wants some…what is…then…”

Logan then gave a short mime performance illustrating how he would repeatedly punch David Cameron, which ended as he nearly fell into a fountain.

Fellow drunk Stephen Malley said: “This policy is just further proof of my suspicions that I am being victimised by the entire universe.”