ALCOHOL should only be available to nice people who know which wine goes best with fish, according to MPs.
The Home Affairs select committee admitted police resources were stretched because too many awful people are buying cheap, generic alcohol from supermarkets and then drinking for its effect, rather than fully appreciating its delicate potpourri of flavours.
Denys Finch Hatton, member for Mortlake said: “Let’s take this charmingly presumptuous Echo Falls White Zinfandel, just £5.50 on offer from Morrisons, or £3.29 a large glass if you’re lucky enough to be able to buy it from the members’ bar in the House of Commons.
“As a decent person I would enjoy this as an aperitif before a dinner party, or serve it with some lightly poached seabass or a pan-roasted poussin with parsnip and chorizo.
“I certainly wouldn’t use it to wash down 20 Marlboro Gold and then have a piss up against the front door of Greggs, but that’s because I went to Cambridge and have a well-thumbed copy of Floyd on France.”
Tom Logan, a trainee accountant from Peterborough, said: “So what you’re saying is, they’ve fucked up the economy, forced the country to the point of bankruptcy and put my job and home in jeopardy and are now telling me I shouldn’t be allowed to get pissed on cheap wine on a Friday night so I can forget my troubles for a few hours instead of hunting them down and roasting them on spits like the shit-caked, trough-guzzling pigs that they are?