Alcohol To Be Restricted To Nice People With Degrees

ALCOHOL should only be available to nice people who know which wine goes best with fish, according to MPs.

White wine? With cheese? Savages.

The influential Home Affairs Select Committee said police resources were being stretched because too many awful people are buying cheap wine from supermarkets and then drinking it really quickly without fully appreciating its delicate potpourri of flavours.

Chairman Keith Vaz said: "Let's take this charmingly presumptious Echo Falls White Zinfandel, just £3.98 from Tesco, or £2.50 if you're lucky enough to be able to buy it from the members' bar in the House of Commons.

"As a decent person I would enjoy this as an aperitif before a dinner party, or perhaps serve it with some lightly poached seabass or a pan-roasted poussin with parsnip and chorizo.

"I certainly wouldn't use it to wash down 20 Marlboro Lights and then have a piss up against the front door of Greggs.

"But that's because I went to Cambridge and have a well-thumbed copy of Floyd on France."

Tom Logan, a trainee accountant from Peterborough, said: "So what you're saying is, they've fucked up the economy, forced the country to the point of bankruptcy and put my job and my home in jeopardy while at the same time paying themselves a hundred grand a year in expenses and are now telling me I shouldn't be allowed to buy a couple of cheap bottles of wine on a Friday night so I can forget my troubles for a few hours instead of hunting them down and roasting them on a spit like the shit-caked, trough-guzzling pigs that they are?

"Interesting."