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All of pub quizmaster's questions about Gillian Anderson

A MAN hosting a pub quiz has, without warning, written questions only about Gillian Anderson. 

Attendees at the Prince of Wales in Ramsgate were expecting Roy Hobbs to include varied topics such as science, literature and sport, but he chose instead to focus exclusively on the life, works and shoe size of the star of The X-Files.

Trivia buff Norman Steele said: “There were a few hoots of laughter when we got to question four and it was still about her. And how were we supposed to know what she said was her favourite brand of lingerie in an interview in 2003? 

“By question 18 I was beginning to suspect this wasn’t a quiz so much as a Gillian Anderson appreciation society with a scoring system. The winner should get a restraining order.

“By the second round we’d covered her entire filmography, her childhood pets and what Roy insisted was widely believed to be her preferred flavour of crisp. I wrote ‘plain’ but he got angry and said I’d insulted an actress of her calibre. 

“The thing is, we’ve done Beatles nights and Harry Potter, so just Gillian Anderson isn’t impossible. But when Roy started asking about her role in a 1997 all-nude production of Hamlet that clearly existed only in his head I felt it was no longer a bona fide trivia quiz.

“He wouldn’t let us keep our team names either. We wanted to be ‘The No Hopers’, but he kept calling us ‘The No Hopers with Gillian Because She’s Out of Our League’. Which is too long to write on the paper.”

Hobbs said: “I did write a science question. It was what element Gilly would be on the periodic table. The answer was clearly ‘unobtainium’, so I don’t know why everyone struggled.”

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JD Vance's guide to controlling women for their own good

JD Vance recently said he had forbidden his wife from going skydiving in a strange comparison to Iran. Here he explains the benefits of controlling tendencies – for her and you.

It keeps women safe

Controlling women isn’t a sad little power trip for insecure men, it’s about their safety. If you don’t ban them from actually highly-regulated activities like skydiving, before you know it they’ll be bullfighting or playing Russian roulette. Because ‘slippery slope’ arguments are always correct.

They have more free time 

By saying ‘Wear that dress’ or ‘Those heels make you look like a whore’ you’re saving women the trouble of making decisions, leaving them free to pursue other interests. Such as ensuring your home is spotless and doing large amounts of unnecessary baking, in a traditional way that fits in with my particular brand of conservative Catholicism but isn’t actually in The Bible.

Women cannot be trusted to go out

When Usha goes out, I do the responsible thing and ask: ‘Who are you meeting? Are any of them men? Are you planning to have sex with them?’ She can be quite disrespectful in her replies, but it’s the only way to ensure she won’t end up writhing in adulterous pleasure with some well-hung young stud every time she leaves the house. 

You sound like a big man 

Male friends are deeply impressed when, apropos of nothing, you announce you won’t let your wife buy anything without your permission, or similar. Are any of them secretly thinking ‘Jeez, what a pathetic asshole’? Unlikely. I’ll check if I ever have any friends.

It’s only feminism that makes them want free will

I’ve spoken out before about the sexual revolution, and to this day feminism is brainwashing women into thinking they don’t want to be stay-at-home baby factories. I’m not saying they shouldn’t make any decisions at all – as I’ve said to Usha, ‘You are free to breastfeed and change nappies without consulting me’. Respect is a two-way street.

Women are basically children

Like children gorging on sweets, women do things they don’t realise are bad for them. That’s why we’ve agreed Usha shouldn’t use the internet unsupervised. It’s nothing to do with the very real possibility that if she keeps seeing those fat boy memes of me, eventually she’ll think: ‘Shit! Why haven’t I divorced this petulant little dick?’

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