All public toilets in London to be relocated to Doncaster

ALL of London’s 12 remaining public toilets will be dismantled and moved to Doncaster as part of the government’s ‘levelling up’ plans to boost the regions.

The scheme is expected to save millions of pounds annually in maintenance costs and sky-high London rents, with the savings going to the NHS, Michelle Mone or energy companies.

Communities minister Michael Gove said: “While this might cause some temporary inconvenience to Londoners we urge them to take a broader view of the benefits to Doncaster. Also we don’t give a shit, as it were.

“London is still very much open for business. We’d simply ask residents and visitors to remember to go to the loo before venturing out into our bustling 24/7 capital city and taking in its world-beating attractions.”

Mayor of Doncaster Tom Logan also welcomed the lavatorial relocation, saying: “For people who like to urinate and defecate, Doncaster will become an international hub. Perhaps after visiting us to vacate their bladder or bowels they will consider settling here.

“As well as our minster and hills, we have a selection of dual carriageways and can boast more loading bays than Venice. Bring your whole family to go to the toilet and make a day of it.

“Our marketing department has already devised a new slogan, ‘Come to Doncaster for a shit’.”

Due to an unexpected rise in Londoners urinating in public, home secretary Suella Braverman today announced a minimum sentence of 35 years in prison for having a tinkle in a park.

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Fat Les, and other musicians' side projects that were utter shite

WHAT better way to ruin your reputation as a musician than by launching a dreadful side project? Here are some of the worst.

Fat Les

At the height of Blur’s success in 1998, bassist Alex James took a break to form the band Fat Les with fellow Groucho Club wankers Keith Allen and Damien Hirst. Together they created the unofficial World Cup bellow-along ‘Vindaloo’, which was about as much fun as being pissed on by a drunk football fan, but somehow reached number 2 in the charts.

Velvet Revolver

Apparently a ‘supergroup’ made up of Guns N’ Roses minus Axl and some blokes from Stone Temple Pilots and Wasted Youth, but they may as well not have bothered. Velvet Revolver didn’t make anything nearly as good as their previous bands did, and largely seemed to be a way for Slash to keep publicly displaying his collection of top hats.

The Frog Chorus

When John Lennon dismissed ‘Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da’ as ‘more of Paul’s granny music shit’ he couldn’t have imagined how much worse things were going to get. Luckily for him – depending on how you look at it – he was spared hearing ‘We All Stand Together’, McCartney’s terminally twee song from Rupert and The Frog Song. It’s a song so sickeningly cloying it makes ‘Spies Like Us’ sound like Led Zeppelin.

Tin Machine

Why would a global superstar decide he wanted to be a nondescript part of a slightly rubbish band again? It would be like Adele joining Atomic Kitten. Maybe he was discombobulated after giving up the industrial quantities of cocaine he was used to taking but, whatever the reason, Tin Machine was the least loved of his reinventions, and for good reason.

The Cross

The biggest impression Queen’s Roger Taylor made on the public was when he appeared as a disturbingly attractive schoolgirl in the video for ‘I Want To Break Free’, which was wrong on many levels. So it’s no wonder that the band he fronted as singer and guitarist went virtually unnoticed. Probably for the best though, as the songs are shit.