ALL of London’s 12 remaining public toilets will be dismantled and moved to Doncaster as part of the government’s ‘levelling up’ plans to boost the regions.
The scheme is expected to save millions of pounds annually in maintenance costs and sky-high London rents, with the savings going to the NHS, Michelle Mone or energy companies.
Communities minister Michael Gove said: “While this might cause some temporary inconvenience to Londoners we urge them to take a broader view of the benefits to Doncaster. Also we don’t give a shit, as it were.
“London is still very much open for business. We’d simply ask residents and visitors to remember to go to the loo before venturing out into our bustling 24/7 capital city and taking in its world-beating attractions.”
Mayor of Doncaster Tom Logan also welcomed the lavatorial relocation, saying: “For people who like to urinate and defecate, Doncaster will become an international hub. Perhaps after visiting us to vacate their bladder or bowels they will consider settling here.
“As well as our minster and hills, we have a selection of dual carriageways and can boast more loading bays than Venice. Bring your whole family to go to the toilet and make a day of it.
“Our marketing department has already devised a new slogan, ‘Come to Doncaster for a shit’.”
Due to an unexpected rise in Londoners urinating in public, home secretary Suella Braverman today announced a minimum sentence of 35 years in prison for having a tinkle in a park.