All state schools should be Nandos, says Cameron

DAVID Cameron wants state schools to offer a fast-casual educational experience inspired by the traditions of Mozambique.

Under new reforms failing and coasting schools will be converted into homes of the flame-grilled goodness loved around the world.

Pupils will be renamed Nandocas and offered the chance to ‘bring their personality to the table every day’ in a range of vocational subjects including laughing at unfunny remarks from the person who looks like they are paying.

Cameron said: “It’s better to aspire to identifiable goals, rather than offering an array of choice – philosophy, art, history, Hungarian-style veal goulash with home-made caraway noodles – that only bewilders ordinary hardworking British children.

“Too often, teachers have tried to force mango and lime kids to do extra hot subjects.

“I want every state educated child in the UK to know what spice they are.”

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Men pathetic

MEN are pathetic beyond all comprehension, it has been confirmed.

Experts believe leaked data from adultery website Ashley Madison has proved beyond doubt that male humans are weak, cowardly creatures in thrall to their base urges.

Psychologist Nikki Hollis said: “Reading these profiles that say things like ‘I have a sports car and want to stroke your feet before putting it in’ makes me think we have reached an evolutionary turning point.

“It’s not the infidelity aspect, it’s that men are stupid enough to think this behaviour could really lead to them having exciting sex in a budget hotel room.

“As soon as the science is ready to totally cut men out of the reproductive equation, I think they’ll start getting phased out.

“The women will live in the cities, developing art, science and philosophy, and the men will be exiled to the jungle with foxes and rabbits that they will probably try to have sex with.”

Man Tom Logan said: “It say that if I press computer button, then it make sexy women come out. Maybe she come out of printer, like in 80s documentary film Weird Science.

“But this not happen. No sexy sex woman, and now no wife. Feel sad, big mistake. Why I do this?

“Me eat some chicken bucket, look at boobies on computer, feel better maybe.”