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An orgasm, and five other things about which women say 'no worries if not'

AFTER 40 minutes drafting, editing and re-reading the text, proofread and peer-reviewed by four other friends, she adds ‘no worries if not!’ to the end. Also useful at these times: 

Achieving orgasm

The orgasm gap exists as women’s pleasure is tricky and offers nothing to men who would prefer to ejaculate and move on. Yes, it would be nice if he did something for her after she gave head for 20 minutes, but no problem, she gets that he’s tired. He could use the vibrator? Oh, he doesn’t like the noise? Okey doke.

Requesting a pay rise

It would be lovely to not lay awake nights worrying about the mortgage, but yes, her boss is right, times are tough right now. He’s still driving a 2025 Audi, he is embarrassed to point out. She nods, ashamed of her horrific, selfish needs that render her a burden to a kind and caring employer.

Seeking a divorce

She’s had enough. The snoring, the flatulence, the affairs she’s sure happened but can’t quite pin down, the looting of the joint savings to invest in rare 90s trip hop vinyl. But, when confronted, he’s fine with the way things are. No problem, just an idea, just a suggestion born of several dark nights of the soul and years of misery. It’s fine.

Getting the vote

We all remember the suffragettes’ hunger strikes – on diets to look nice for their husbands. most likely – but there were also non-violent suffragists who wrote lots of letters asking if politicians would mind terribly giving ladies the franchise. When they received replies declining, they were ever so politely worded and on such nice paper.

Booking a restaurant

A table not adjacent to the toilets or bins and which the family can have for more than 35 minutes would be ideal, but we can’t have everything, can we? Even if what arrived isn’t what was ordered and is inedible. A lady enquires if anything can be done, is informed the kitchen is busy, and is positively radiant in accepting it all as her due.

Seeking a refund

The zip on the £140 trousers she bought yesterday is already broken and she has the receipt, but she doesn’t want to be one of those awful influencers who’s always returning clothes, nor does she want to be a Karen who calls the manager, and so she takes flat and unfair refusal as the final word. Maybe having your minge out will catch on?

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Padel: the new veganism?

PADEL is the sport slash cult sweeping middle-class Britain, but could it really be so irritating it takes over from veganism? We compare: 

Mentioned in first five minutes: check

Just as navigating any conversation past the rock of veganism was once impossible, now it’s padel. Regardless whether you’re discussing politics, the weather or this year’s Strictly line-up being weaker than homeopathic piss, within less than 300 seconds it’ll be about padel. Apparently it gives Cach Mercer an advantage.

Confers aura of superiority: check

Like veganism, padel is more than it seems. You thought it was a diet/bat and ball game? It’s so much more than that. Padel is a way of life, perhaps the way of life, that delivers physical perfection, mental calm and ultimately, its adherents hint, immortality.

Supersedes all previous convictions: check

Pickleball? A game for children and Americans, now wisely put away. Peloton? A mere lockdown infatuation. Podcasts? A waste of one’s precious life, especially when nobody listens to yours. Veganism? Ultimately unsustainable in a world of bacon and Brie. Padel? The path, the light, the sum of all human happiness. You play?

Follows arcane rules no outsiders understand: check

The rules of padel? Ah, the rules of padel. Yes, I’m glad you asked that. The rules. Ultimately you’ve really got to actually play padel to understand it, like I do, so it would be pointless to explain them like it was pointless explaining how cutting animal products from my diet would make me eternally virtuous. You have to feel it.

Not actually even that good: check

Isn’t it just tennis? No, definitely not, even if it shares a court, the bulk its of rules and a scoring system. No, padel is so much better than mere tennis, much as veganism was superior to vegetarianism until it got boring. Padel is a quantum leap beyond mere sports. It’s actually saved our marriage. What do you mean, you tried it and it was shite?

Will soon be dropped like pulled pork: not quite yet

There’s no way the preachers of padel will move on, absolutely none. You’re saying that because you’re jealous. Yes, we have moved on from our previous obsessions with street food, Secret Cinema, cocktails, microdosing, Union Berlin and paddleboarding but padel is different. You just wait and see if it isn’t.

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