AWARE of his precarious position within his party, Liberal Democrat leader Ed Davey has soberly ziplined onto the conference stage without applause.
Conscious that members are openly questioning his leadership skills, Davey arrived at the Liberal Democrat conference in Brighton ready to take on the big issues and unafraid to make difficult arguments, while dangling from a zipwire obviously.
Davey said: “My political future is at stake. I’ve left the inflatable unicorn at home, along with the light-up bowtie which turns into a drone and flies around the room.
“The Lib Dems need to get their act together. The era of two-party politics is over, but the media doesn’t treat us as if we have 14 times as many members as Reform. This zipline entrance is the entrance of a new, hard-hitting Ed.
“Could I have arrived by walking? Think of the optics. We can’t be seen to U-turn on our key policy of ceaselessly indulging in childish gimmicks to get media attention. The pogo stick will come out at some point, rest assured.
“But for now it’s a new Ed Davey. An Ed Davey the country has no choice but to take seriously. An Ed Davey who, unlike other politicians, rides a 220ft zipline with nary a whoop.”
Party member Donna Sheridan said: “Now other parties won’t mock us. Especially when Ed announces our new position on trans rights by opening his flies and firing a blue, pink and silver glitter cannon from his crotch.”
