Annual Christmas card from people you don't know arrives

YOUR regular Christmas card from a couple you’ve never met has arrived.

The card from ‘Ken and Margaret’, which this year has a reindeer on the front, wishes you a merry Christmas and great 2013 without providing further details.

The most logical explanation would be that their cards are intended for the previous occupants of your house. However, they do have your name on them.

Joanna Kramer, your partner, said: “For a few years I thought it was one of the neighbours but then why would they waste money on a stamp?

“My next theory, that we didn’t know them at all, was sparked when 2007’s card inaccurately said ‘Sorry to hear about your leg’.

“So for a while we thought they were funny, especially 2010’s photocard of a fat kid in a tutu.

“Then in 2012 they somehow knew about my new job, which sent a chill through me. Or did they? Was it just a coincidence?

“I’m desperate to send a message to them, even if the message is only ‘Stop sending us cards, you’re weird.’”

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It’s like ‘Event Horizon’ in there, say fog survivors

SURVIVORS of the London fog have revealed that ‘some bad, freaky shit is happening in there’.

Tom Logan, who crawled from the miasma just after 10am, said it was like being an extra in one of the most unwatchable parts of the 1997 sci-fi horror film, Event Horizon.

He added: “It’s a sea of writhing bodies, screaming for mercy as if newly arrived in hell.

“I almost bumped into someone.”

With no more than 10 hours warning, millions of water droplets suspended themselves just above the capital shortly after dawn. By 8am London was a sickening broth of tangled limbs.

Julian Cook, a designer, said: “I came face to face with myself, but I was a very old man.

“Someone asked me later if it was maybe just a very old man, but I don’t think it was.”

Marketing consultant, Emma Bradford, said: “I dropped my gloves. As they disappeared into the fog I shouted ‘Stay alive! No matter what occurs, I will find you!’.

“This is my life now.”