Anti-EU campaigners secretly hoping Britain stays in so they can keep whining

PEOPLE campaigning for Britain to leave the EU privately hope the country stays in so they can keep bitching about it.

As the anti-European campaign cranks up its rhetoric, thousands of people are secretly praying for a ‘stay’ vote so they can continue to use the term ‘EUSSR’ and imply that all Bulgarians are thieves.

One Eurosceptic said: “We can’t see the point of foreigners at all. But at the same time, I need to be able to complain about them fiddling with my sovereignty with their big, dirty fingers.

“Also, discovering the term ‘EUSSR’ is literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Another campaigner added: “I would love it if the French had the common decency to admit they’re not as good as me and some of my friends.

“But deep down, we realise we’re like Arsenal – without Europeans, we’d be nothing. Can’t we just be allowed to whine like children?”

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91 per cent of Londoners work as levitating Yodas

NINE in every ten Londoners are working shifts as levitating Yodas around the capital, it has emerged. 

Residents say they have to dress in robes, pull on a rubber mask and float unsupported in the air apart from the big stick obviously holding them up, simply to make ends meet. 

Bank manager Mary Fisher said: “My salary just about covers the mortgage, but for bills and food I rely on my, and my husband’s and eldest child’s, Yoda income. 

“I can’t get a spot in Trafalgar Square, where there are upwards of 40 Yodas per square foot, so I’m in an alley behind a kebab shop in Acton where there’s only six of us. 

“Still pulls in good money, but the problem is I pass so many levitating Yodas on the way home that I’ve given most of it away. 

“How do they do it? It’s amazing!”