Panicked Michael Fallon realises he hasn’t mentioned Corbyn for nearly three hours

MICHAEL Fallon broke out in a cold sweat earlier after realising Jeremy Corbyn’s name had not passed his lips for almost three hours. 

Fallon, secretary of state for Warning People About Jeremy Corbyn, attacked Corbyn twice on breakfast radio and once at lunchtime before entirely neglecting his brief until almost four o’clock.

Fallon said: “Freaking out, I quickly rang up Channel 4 news and accused him of wanting to abort all non-transgendered Christian babies.

“Unless I, Michael Fallon, announce every hour that Jeremy Corbyn is an out-of-touch Marxist traitor, or a deluded communist stooge, or a raving defeatist tree-hugging leftie bastard, people will forget who Jeremy Corbyn is.

“That beardy, terrorist-loving wastrel.”

Nikki Hollis, a shop assistant from Dover, said: “I’d almost forgotten that Jeremy Corbyn wants to impose sharia law on the RAF, but fortunately Michael Fallon was there to remind me.

“He might look and sound like a vicar in the hysterical phase of a cocaine binge, but if this country is ever invaded by Jeremy Corbyn, I know Michael Fallon would protect us.”

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Pointless now main source of further education in UK

QUIZ show Pointless is now providing a more effective adult education service than any UK college or university.

Researchers found that those wishing to discover the salient facts about world politics, the geography of central Africa or 19th century American literature are better off watching the programme than applying for some three year college course, most of which is likely to wash over them.

Norman Steele of Loughborough said: “From watching Pointless, I know all about Kyrgyzstan. For example, that its first eight letters are consonants and that it is bordered by Tajikistan.

“I could have spent thousands of pounds on some expensive course to learn all of this, plus I would have had to move into a shared house with untidy strangers.”

Student Tom Logan said: “I’ve spent the last five years studying the periodical table just so that I’d be ready for any chemistry question Pointless threw at me.

“My studies have enabled me to patent a pair of trousers that can change colour on voice command. 

“Sadly, though, I’ve still never reached the jackpot round. It’s always the musicals questions that get me. If Pointless teaches us one thing, it’s that mankind still has much to learn.”