Applicants advised not to bring box of wine to mortgage interview

STRICT new mortgage rules will mean applicants should not turn up to their bank or building society with a three-litre box of wine.

With lenders keen to reduce the number of loans they give to feckless booze-hounds like you, mortgage brokers are advising clients to avoid extravagant daytime drinking during the crucial interview stage.

Broker Martin Bishop said: “Before the crash it was considered incredibly rude not to bring at least one bottle per person.

“Because none of the questions and answers actually mattered, the person on the other side of the desk was just as keen as you were to drink a lot of wine during the day.

“But now there is a ‘new puritanism’ in the air, for no other reason than the fact that society almost collapsed.”

A spokesman for the Society of Mortgage Lenders said: “It’s not really about drinking wine during the interview, it’s about what you do with the very small amount of money we’re going to let you keep.

“So the key thing is, don’t bring along a box of wine and make sure your answers are a litany of outrageous lies.

“Also, we will be turning down people who say ‘exetra’ instead of ‘etcetera’ and ‘fillum’ instead of ‘film’.”

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Person with no power should no longer be head of irrelevant thing, says ‘deputy prime minister’

A PERSON with no power should no longer be the symbolic head of an organisation that does not matter, according to someone who made up his own job.

Nick Clegg, the self-styled ‘deputy prime minister’, said it was time for Britain’s entirely decorative monarch to relinquish her meaningless role as head of a rapidly decaying religion to which no-one pays the slightest attention.

Mr Clegg said: “Stop what you’re doing. We need to talk about this immediately.”

But Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “I’m sorry, what’s all this about? The Queen and the Church of England? Well thank God whatever his name is has raised the subject because I’ve been up all night thinking about it.”

Mr Logan added: “The roads round here are absolutely full of fucking potholes. Perhaps Mr Clegg could persuade Her Majesty and the Archbishop of Canterbury to fill them in.

“I really don’t care who’s in charge of that.”