April Fool pranksters can be murdered before midday

ANYONE perpetrating April Fools’ Day pranks can be legally murdered before midday, experts have confirmed.

An ancient law means jokers can be killed with no legal repercussions, no matter how harmless the prank.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The ruling dates back to April 1st 1511, when a court jester put a fake fly in Henry VIII’s vast breakfast.

“Henry didn’t find it funny and ordered his lord chancellor to draft some anti-prank legislation. The jester was then hung, drawn and quartered and his head placed on a spike at the Tower of London to be picked at by rooks.

“It was a golden age.”

Professor Brubaker added: “The law still holds to this day, so if someone tells you your shoelaces are undone, you are fully entitled to throttle them.

“You have to do it before twelve though, otherwise the joke is on you in the sense that you go to prison forever.”

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Everyone crying at films now

BRITAIN needs to get a bloody grip and stop crying every time it watches a film, experts have claimed.

As the Guardian persisted with its series on ‘the film that makes me cry’, the Institute for Studies said the newspaper was reflecting a disturbing trend for making everything less enjoyable.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Some twat in the Guardian said they cry at Local Hero. Which bit? Seriously, which fucking bit of Local Hero is making you cry?

“The bit at the end when the American is back in Houston and gets some Scottish seashells out of his pocket? It’s poignant, I’ll give you that. But crying? Really?

“Another one said they cried at Fantastic Mr Fox. The bit when Mr Fox salutes the black wolf is magnificent, but if you cry at that then my guess is that what you’re really crying about is how beautiful and poetic you are.

“You need to stop doing that.”

Brubaker added: “Do you know what film made me cry? What We Did on Our Holiday with Billy Connolly and David Tennant. Do you know why? Because I love Billy Connolly and it was fucking shit.

“Everyone get a grip, immediately.”