HAVE you managed to achieve emotional contentment or are you merely a cretin? Take our quiz and find out:
What’s your first thought when you wake up?
A) Another day full of opportunities for wonder dawns. I am so grateful to be alive in this shining moment of glory.
B) F**k, what happened? It was night a moment ago. And how am I hungry when I just ate?
You look in the mirror and notice a grey hair. What’s your reaction?
A) Historically speaking, I’m one of a tiny percentage of humans to reach physical maturity while remaining in good health. This truly is the best time to be alive.
B) Brilliant! I won’t have to worry about getting carded when I buy a trolley full of beer after the pub closes.
What do you think when you watch the news?
A) It would be easy to feel scared, but the news thrives on sensationalism. I think of my blessings.
B) Bloody hell, Everton paid how much to sign Ben Godfrey?
Looking at your life so far, how do you feel?
A) It might not go down in the history books, but I’m proud that it’s full of small moments which have benefited others.
B) Can you repeat the question? I couldn’t hear you, I was using the hairdryer in the bath.
A) Sometimes I worry that my pursuit of happiness has been selfish. That I could have dedicated myself to a higher purpose.
B) Learning to read. It only leads to trouble.
Mostly As: Congratulations, you’re happy, dull and condescending. Destroy a few brain cells by living a little for once, you boring twat.
Mostly Bs: You’re so thick it’s a miracle you’re alive. However you’re so oblivious that you’ve blocked out all of life’s nasty bits, so you’re onto something.