Rishi Sunak's guide to retraining for a much shitter job

LOST your six-figure job? Exciting opportunities in the world of chicken de-beaking await. I’m Rishi Sunak, and these are the benefits of your new minimum wage career: 

For office workers

No more of that sedentary life cooped up inside under fluorescent lighting for you. See the world and get ripped by becoming a delivery driver. Those heavy Amazon boxes will do wonders for your biceps, and you’ll get a cardio workout running back and forth to your van.

For writers

It’s notoriously hard to earn a living from writing. This is not the case with gutting fish or grinding up turkey carcasses. A job in the processed food industry will give you a rare taste of financial security and authentic life experience to turn into a play you’ll be too exhausted to ever write.

For university lecturers

As Tories only really need Oxbridge, it doesn’t matter if all the other universities shut down. There are plenty of other opportunities for academics – if you’re a historian, why not wear 19th-century costume and give tours about ghosts or Jack the Ripper?

For skilled manual workers

There’s really little difference between assembling complex microcircuitry and making a double quarter pounder with cheese as far as I can tell. They’re both jobs you do with your hands, so much of a muchness. Accept your drop in pay with good grace.

For musicians

If you’re not a rich rock star, what business do you have calling yourself a musician anyway? Don’t blame us because you didn’t break America. Classically-trained guitarists can easily pick up Wonderwall for well-renumerated busking, and nimble-fingered pianists will be great at picking Brussels sprouts.

For artists

From Picasso to Tracey Emin, artists have made us ask ‘What is art?’ Who is to say woodstaining a fence or doing skirting boards duck-egg blue isn’t just as valuable to society as whatever’s on show at the Saatchi?  Once again the arts are safe in the hands of the Tories.

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Science is bullshit, says man whose life has just been saved by it

DONALD Trump has confirmed that science, medicine and doctors are a load of bullshit.

The US president, whose life was just saved by cutting-edge Covid-19 treatments, held a post-hospital press conference where he advised everyone to burn their face masks and ignore doctors.

He continued: “While I was in hospital getting pumped full of medicines to stop me dying, I had a lot of time to reflect on what a bunch of losers these doctors are.

“They’re telling us to be afraid, to wear face coverings like a bunch of Muslims and even to hide our faces when we’re coughing like we’re scared of a little cough.

“They don’t even realise that even if you get the bug it doesn’t matter because you’ll get taken straight to your own private ward in a beautiful hospital with a unbelievable team of physicians whose sole job is to keep you alive.

“And the drugs they give you are just phenomenal. The most incredible drugs. At one point I was so out of it that I thought my attractive daughter was actually my wife.”

He concluded: “So don’t be afraid and don’t believe science. There is no coronavirus and I just beat it all on my own. Amazing. Thank you.”