LOST your six-figure job? Exciting opportunities in the world of chicken de-beaking await. I’m Rishi Sunak, and these are the benefits of your new minimum wage career:
For office workers
No more of that sedentary life cooped up inside under fluorescent lighting for you. See the world and get ripped by becoming a delivery driver. Those heavy Amazon boxes will do wonders for your biceps, and you’ll get a cardio workout running back and forth to your van.
It’s notoriously hard to earn a living from writing. This is not the case with gutting fish or grinding up turkey carcasses. A job in the processed food industry will give you a rare taste of financial security and authentic life experience to turn into a play you’ll be too exhausted to ever write.
For university lecturers
As Tories only really need Oxbridge, it doesn’t matter if all the other universities shut down. There are plenty of other opportunities for academics – if you’re a historian, why not wear 19th-century costume and give tours about ghosts or Jack the Ripper?
For skilled manual workers
There’s really little difference between assembling complex microcircuitry and making a double quarter pounder with cheese as far as I can tell. They’re both jobs you do with your hands, so much of a muchness. Accept your drop in pay with good grace.
If you’re not a rich rock star, what business do you have calling yourself a musician anyway? Don’t blame us because you didn’t break America. Classically-trained guitarists can easily pick up Wonderwall for well-renumerated busking, and nimble-fingered pianists will be great at picking Brussels sprouts.
From Picasso to Tracey Emin, artists have made us ask ‘What is art?’ Who is to say woodstaining a fence or doing skirting boards duck-egg blue isn’t just as valuable to society as whatever’s on show at the Saatchi? Once again the arts are safe in the hands of the Tories.