Are you more German than Hitler?

PEOPLE across Britain are today asking themselves ‘Am I more German than Hitler?’.

As geneticists claimed that half of Britain has German blood, experts have devised a simple test to determine exactly how German you are.

Dr Tom Logan, head of the secret eugenics department at Reading University, said: “The fact that Michael McIntrye now seems to be the richest and most famous person in the country would indicate that most people in Britain have a profoundly deficient sense of humour.

“But that alone does not make you a German.”

Dr Logan has now devised a four-point Germanosity test:

a) Do you like big dogs?

b) Do you like Volkswagens?

c) Are you under five foot six?

d) Do you ever get annoyed about stuff?

Logan added: “If you answered yes to everything except ‘c’ then you’re more German than Hitler.

“If you answered yes to all four questions then you’re the same as Hitler, which isn’t bad.”

Emma Bradford, a sales assistant from Grantham, said: “I’ve always felt a bit German. Especially when I kicked down my neighbours’ front door and told them they all had to leave because I needed room to expand my dining-kitchen.

“Also, I can take a penalty.”

But Roy Hobbs, an electrician from Peterborough, insisted: “I would gladly believe that half of us have German blood if it wasn’t for the small matter of our inability to make something that isn’t utter fucking shit.”



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Fish defeated

FISH are on the brink of surrender, it was confirmed last night.

Scientists say the long struggle to cleanse the world’s beautiful oceans is almost complete.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “There are still a few pockets of resistance but we predict a fish-free world by the end of July.

“The ocean will once again be decent. Fire up your jet skis.”

Prof Brubaker said the recent discovery that clown fish had gone deaf was a major blow to fish morale.

He added: “Clown fish have thwarted many of our efforts. Indeed, Finding Nemo was a sickening piece of pro-fish propaganda that may as well have been produced by Goebbels.

“Suffice to say Nemo was found and shot. But not before he furnished us with the names and locations of thousands of his fellow criminals.”

Oceanographer, Dr Stephen Malley, said humanity should be excited about a fishless world and stressed there would be a huge social and economic dividend from defishification.

He said: “Oil tankers will have much more room, scuba divers won’t have to be scared any more and diners will no longer have to ask their waiter if the fish of the day has any little bones in it.

“Plus, it will be much easier to put sea water to good use. As well as desalination you have to remove all the fish piss. It costs a fortune.

“We will thus be able to preserve our precious fresh water for swimming pools, Fanta production and flushing the lavatories of the obese.”