GAY people can become Church of England bishops if they promise to just think about boisterous anal sex with a greasy plumber.

The Church is to unveil guidelines setting out exactly how gay bishops can be and which parts of another man they can touch with their bare hands.

Senior clergy have agreed what they hope will be a successful compromise, allowing Bishops to be substantially homosexual on the inside of their own heads.

Reverend Julian Cook, associate dean of Stevenage Cathedral, said: “Surely it is better if a bishop conducts communion while thinking about being pummelled by a sweaty manual worker rather than having just arrived from actually being pummelled by a sweaty manual worker.

“Surely it is better to have a bishop with a far away look in his eye and a burgeoning semi, than a bishop that actively reeks of dirty sex.”

But there is still confusion over whether Church of England bishops can watch gay porn.

Reverend Cook added: “Should we allow them to watch films where two men touch each other in the penis and perhaps indulge in a tastefully photographed bout of reciprocated oral pleasuring?

“Or will that simply cause a bishop to take off his hat, get in his car and make a bee-line for his nearest naval base?

“I don’t think we can make a definitive decision on this until we have once again pondered St Trevor’s Letter to the Abrasions.”