Are you writing an interesting tweet or just a desperate plea for attention?

DO you mean what you say on Twitter or are you just writing attention-seeking bollocks in a pathetic attempt to get people to notice you? Here’s how to tell.

Would you say it to a friend?

If you told your mates on a night out at the pub that you thought all school shootings were staged, they would rightly think you were mental. So maybe don’t do it online.

Would you shout it out in a public place?

You wouldn’t go into your local Morrisons and loudly tell shoppers the details of how someone broke up with you because you cry during sex. This sort of information doesn’t magically become less weird and embarrassing just because it’s on Twitter.

Could it get you sacked?

Here’s an idea: before sharing some mindless bigoted comment online thinking you’re being daring and ‘edgy’, run it past someone who works in HR. If they shake their head and go “Fucking hell, Susan”, maybe don’t tweet it.

Are you threatening to kill someone?

Usually in a wildly out-of-proportion way, like saying you’ll ‘end’ the local lollipop lady because she made you stop for 20 seconds instead of letting you drive over a gaggle of small children.

Do you sound like a massive arse?

If you have even the slightest suspicion that you do, step away from social media altogether and go and read a fucking book.

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Man using wife's expensive shampoo to wash his balls

A MAN has admitted he has been using his wife’s expensive shampoo to wash his balls for a while now.

Tom Logan first went for the expensive-looking bottle after rinsing out his cheap Asda shower gel for the third time and now finds it impossible to stop.

Office worker Logan said: “I can’t go back to that muck you find in the supermarket. My bollocks are used to a higher class of wash.

“It’s not just my testicles, all my nether regions have grown accustomed to the luxurious feel of ‘Sumatran Fern, Orange Oil and Saffron’. It leaves my bumcrack feeling really refreshed and ready for the day.

“For a brief, glorious moment every morning my knackers get pampered like Kim Kardashian. However if my wife finds out I’m fucked because it costs 30 quid or something ridiculous.”

Logan’s wife Helen said: “I’ve suspected Tom has been using my shampoo for ages. I assumed it was revenge for me using his razor to shave my fanny.”