Main parties hit by 'f**king everything' backlash

THE two main parties have lost hundreds of seats due to a backlash against Brexit, austerity, May, Corbyn, Parliament, the economy and everything fucking else.

The council elections across England have been used by voters as a chance to voice their opposition to everything Labour and the Conservatives have done since the last time they got to call them twats via the ballot box.

Martin Bishop of Southend said: “I’m fucked off about Brexit, obviously. But I’m also fucked off about academies, NHS cuts, police numbers, the trains, the BBC and both leaders being thoroughgoing knobheads.

“It’s a shame the Lib Dems have benefited, because they’re wankers as well, but I’m hoping that both parties take this as a message not just to get on with Brexit but to get on with fucking off for good.

“When I cast my vote I wanted May to resign, Corbyn to resign, some new people who I don’t hate to take over and everything they’ve broken fixed. I hope that was clear.”

A Conservative spokesman said: “This is the problem with democratic votes. They risk us being unable to implement crap policies that only a small minority of dickheads like.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to be a twat who lives abroad but still supports Brexit

ARE you a Brit who lives in the EU but still wants a no-deal Brexit? Here’s how to convince yourself it’s a perfectly sensible position.

Ignore really fucking obvious problems

Everything from your pension to healthcare will be affected by a no-deal Brexit. So just ignore it. What you don’t think about can’t hurt you, apart from big angry dogs, serious illnesses and in fact everything that can hurt you.

Assume ‘they’ will sort everything out

Forget that ‘they’ are a vindictive, incompetent Tory government, so they’ll probably have you deported from your retirement home in Portugal to a rough bit of Jamaica by mistake.  

Fail to see the irony of complaining about immigration

To be fair, you’re really talking about the scary immigrants you’ve read about in the UK press. However if lots of perfectly nice German, Greek or Swedish pensioners retired to the UK you wouldn’t like them either. It’s not right them coming there and stealing all the bus passes.

Learn to love paperwork

In a best case scenario, Brexit will force you to do a shitload of tedious paperwork. Train yourself to enjoy it by spending every evening filling out forms for an HGV licence or permit to import machine parts to China.

Just keep saying ‘Project Fear!’

Repeating the mantra ‘Project Fear’ is a form of magic that protects Brexiters against the effects of their own stupid decisions. And if you do find yourself up shit creek, just blame someone else, maybe Sir Keir Starmer or, hilariously, foreigners.