Arsehole had really nice ancestors

A TOTAL bastard had kind and decent ancestors, genealogists have discovered.

44-year-old office worker Wayne Hayes is renowned among his social circle as an awful tosser with offensive views on most things.

However researchers have discovered that, despite what they expected, his ancestors did not have slaves or indeed approve of slavery.

Genealogist Nikki Hollis said: “Wayne’s ancestor were nothing like him. They were outspoken in their views against slavery, in fact one of them was a freed slave.

“They also had a non-profit bakery that gave free bread rolls to poor people, and his great-great-great-great uncle did those really cool old botanical books with detailed paintings of flowers.

“I suppose the question is whether we should cut Wayne some slack because of the efforts of his forebears.

“Given that when I told him he tried to pinch my arse and then stole my pen, I should say not.”

Wayne Hayes said: “I don’t really understand why my ancestors helped other people, although I am happy to take the credit for it.

“Does this mean I get a free pass to mock the afflicted?”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

People being scared of your dog not the same as them respecting you

OWNING a large muscular dog does not make you a well-respected community figure, it has been confirmed.

25-year-old Tom Logan has a big-mouthed dog with a hostile gleam in its eye: “The respect I get from people when I’m out with Freddy Krueger, as I call my beloved pet, is amazing.

“People cross the road to avoid me, which is exactly what they’d do if a sporting hero or legendary civil rights leader came to our neighbourhood.”

However local resident Mary Fisher said: “Everyone used to think Tom was a knobhead. Then he got a massive dog. Now he’s a knobhead with a massive dog.

“It’s not like he’s a fearless World War II bomber pilot or something.

“If anything I respect him less because that dog does turds like Cumberland sausages and he doesn’t pick them up.”

She added: “Maybe if he got a big horse and learned to ride it really well, people would respect that.”