Average family pissed off with everyone asking what the budget means for them

AN AVERAGE family with two children has told the media to get its nose out of their personal finances. 

Joe and Laura Turner of Reading say this happens every year at this time, that what they and children Sarah and Andrew spend their money on is up to them, and asked if everyone can leave them alone. 

Joe continued: “Every bloody March. ‘What you spending on petrol, Joe?’, ‘How big’s your mortgage?, ‘How much beer do you put away every week, oh and what about the wife’s gin?’

“Just because I make Britain’s median salary of £26,500, have two school-age children and drive a blue Ford Focus, they think I don’t deserve a private life. 

“Go ask her next door, she’s got two kids. Alright she’s divorced, but that’s hardly unusual these days is it?

“Stop asking how many takeaways a month I have. It’s none of your fucking business.” 

The chancellor said: “Duty on cigarettes goes up to £4.05 on a packet of 20, meaning an extra £21.84 for Joe Turner of Reading who secretly smokes without telling his wife.”