Average family pissed off with everyone asking what the budget means for them

AN AVERAGE family with two children has told the media to get its nose out of their personal finances. 

Joe and Laura Turner of Reading say this happens every year at this time, that what they and children Sarah and Andrew spend their money on is up to them, and asked if everyone can leave them alone. 

Joe continued: “Every bloody March. ‘What you spending on petrol, Joe?’, ‘How big’s your mortgage?, ‘How much beer do you put away every week, oh and what about the wife’s gin?’

“Just because I make Britain’s median salary of £26,500, have two school-age children and drive a blue Ford Focus, they think I don’t deserve a private life. 

“Go ask her next door, she’s got two kids. Alright she’s divorced, but that’s hardly unusual these days is it?

“Stop asking how many takeaways a month I have. It’s none of your fucking business.” 

The chancellor said: “Duty on cigarettes goes up to £4.05 on a packet of 20, meaning an extra £21.84 for Joe Turner of Reading who secretly smokes without telling his wife.” 

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International Women's Day celebrated by brands that hate women

CORPORATIONS that hate and fear women have wished them a happy International Women’s Day.

Companies that sell their products by making women deeply paranoid about having fat arses and wrinkly skin have given a big ‘shout out’ to all the ‘real women out there’.

Diet company boss Nathan Muir tweeted: “Great to see women being celebrated for their awesomeness rather than just having their neuroses preyed upon for marketing purposes.

“And what better day to start shedding a few pounds so you don’t look like a munter on your beach holiday. #radicalthinspiration.”

Fashion magazine editor Emma Bradford said: “International Women’s Day is a chance for us to take a break from psychologically undermining women in the most devious manner, so that they have to ‘fix’ themselves with ‘prion-packed face cream’ and weird handbags with teddies on them.

“Also it’s cool that the day has its roots in a demonstration by Russian garment workers. Because what better way to celebrate an outpuring of radical dissent than by buying a bang-on-trend skirt from our website?

“Type ‘feminism’ in the voucher box for a 10 per cent discount.”