Baby Jesus did not eat full Christmas dinner, claims pope

POPE Benedict XVI has debunked the myth that baby Jesus’s first meal was turkey with all the trimmings.

The pope’s new book claims that a stable would have lacked basic cooking facilities as well as vital ingredients like stuffing mix.

Pope Benedict XVI said: “Mary would have been too exhausted from the birth to think about wrapping sausages in bacon. And they arrived late at the stable so there wasn’t much prep time.

“Men didn’t really cook back in the day so Joseph wouldn’t have helped. In fact he’d probably have been moaning, ‘Come on, we’ve got the wise men arriving at three, can’t you at least do some roast spuds and gravy.’

“Given the lack of facilities, the most Mary could have managed was jacket potatoes. Maybe the kings brought some salads or a trifle.

“Also Jesus was a baby, and babies don’t really like turkey. I expect it makes them puke. Chances are he just had milk.”

The pope’s book OMG: Snakes, Sodomy and Other Crazy Bible Stories also debunks the famous ‘loaves and fishes’ food myth.

Pope Benedict XVI said: “This year’s V Festival got 60,000 people in a day, and they fed them no problem without any miracles.

“But Jesus didn’t actually use fish, he wanted to keep costs down so he did a vegetarian dahl curry, which also would have kept for a couple of days if there was some left over.”



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Kate Middleton breached my privacy, says orangutan

AN orangutan photographed by Kate Middleton is seeking damages, it has emerged.

The Duchess of Cambridge snapped the ape in Borneo while it was enjoying a private moment, then released the image to the world’s media.

Twelve-year-old female orangutan Emma Bradford said: “It’s not a great photograph but you can clearly see the outline of my naked body.

“Someone with the right image enhancement software could definitely bring out my nipples or vagina.”

She added: “I thought it had just been a normal day, eating fruit and doing some light grooming up a tree.

“When someone told me I was all over the papers, I was absolutely devastated.

“It’s not as if I’ve married into one of the world’s most high-profile families, or even that I’m distantly related to Clyde from the film Every Which Way But Loose. I’m a naturally shy primate living a mostly vegetarian lifestyle in a remote place.

“I don’t mind being naked among my colony but had I known there were humans around I’d have put a smock on, or at least some pants.

“I  can’t say anything more right now because I’ve just been to see my lawyer and frenziedly pounded my fists on his desk.”