Slightly odd man anticipates record libel win

A MAN who lives on his own is expecting a record libel payout after being called ‘paedo’ by local teenagers every day for the past 16 years.

Council estate loner Roy Hobbs, 45, has been the victim of the daily taunts after a gang of teenagers decided he was a paedophile due to not being married, cutting his own hair and riding a woman’s bicycle.

Hobbs said: “The little buggers have been calling me a paedo for years, just because I keep myself to myself and obsessively hoard things I’ve found on the local tip.

“But it looks like I’m having the last laugh. Lord thingy’s getting six figures just for Philip Schofield writing his name on a bit of card.

“I’ve been called a paedo 5,840 times over the past 16 years, having counted each incidence due to my somewhat obsessive nature, which works out £2,920,000,000.

“That’s a lot of broken biscuits from Lidl.”

Hobbs is already planning a spending spree with his libel winnings, including a trip to Leeds to visit his brother and the purchase of an oil heater for his shed, where he keeps his extensive collection of old newspapers.

Local teenager Wayne Hayes said: “My defence is that Hobbs keeps kids in his basement so he can bum them whenever he feels like it. They’ve been there so long they’ve mutated into these weird creatures without eyes.

“And that’s true because my mate Ryan’s uncle told him and he works at the council.”



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have a vague sense that your life hasn’t gone as well as you’d hoped.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It takes two to tango, but at least five for a daisy chain.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A disclipinary at work after it emerges that organising a lunchtime cock-fight in the office is somehow politically incorrect.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re honoured this week when you’re asked to press the button to turn on the local Christmas lights. Same as last year, it’s two little green men near a pedestrian crossing.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your eyes are too big for your belly, so you vomited them back up. Now you’re covered in semi-digested eyeballs and you’re blind. Bummer.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s only after you’re asked to sign your autobiography that you realise that the past few weeks have been a hallucination and you’ve actually been writing a lengthy murder confession.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The iconic scene from ‘Spartacus’ is rendered mundane this week when you discover that in that era, ‘Spartacus’ was the equivalent of ‘Steve’ and one in three slaves were called it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not liven up a boring day in the office by starting the shut-down process on your computer, then quickly trying to write an email?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The end is neigh. Sorry, I’m just channelling Nostradamus’ horse. No, you piss off.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Growing up, your parents always assured you that if you worked hard, treated people well and never gave up, you could achieve absolutely anything. What a lying pair of fuckers.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You admit your interest in pornography has surpassed that of the ‘enthusiastic amateur’ when you’re able not only to name all the actors in a scene but also the art direction and lighting technicians.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you had been born 24 hours earlier you’d have been a creative, broad-minded Leo. Tough luck, Virgo, you miserable arsehole.