'Basically' confirmed as the new 'literally'

BASICALLY is this year’s top superfluous word, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that increasing self-consciousness about saying ‘literally’ around grammar pedants had triggered a thousand-fold increase in the use of ‘basically’ as verbal padding.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Basically could be even bigger than literally, it’s a highly versatile term that’s perfect for when it’s not enough to say a thing, but you also want to say that you’re going to say it.”

Dr Stephen Malley said: “Patients nowadays feel insecure unless I use basically at the beginning of sentences.

“For example if I say ‘We need to amputate your hand’, they look at me blankly because that isn’t basic enough.

“However if I say ‘Basically we need to amputate your hand’ they nod furiously.”

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How to tackle red wine stains while knowing they'll never, ever come out

TRY these handy methods of getting red wine stains out of your soft furnishings while simultaneously sobbing because you know they won’t work.

Cover the stain in salt

In theory salt absorbs the spill and cleverly makes the stain go away. In practice your beautiful white sofa is now covered in lots of dirty, boozy grit.

Pour white wine on it

While there might seem to be some weird logic in white wine being able to neutralise red, there is actually none. It’s bollocks and you’re just pissed.

Scrub it with soda water

In your desperation to save the cream carpet before your partner gets home you might believe that the magic bubbles will somehow ‘fizz’ the stain away. You are sadly mistaken.

Cut out the stain and cover up the hole with something

An act of desperation, but one you can get away with if you convince yourself and others that having a big pot plant obscuring the telly is an interesting interior design choice.

Start crying and pray for a miracle

The reality of the situation is that red wine stains never really come out and just hang around to remind you of being a clumsy, pissed-up twat. Definitely your best option.