SOCIAL contact with neighbours must be avoided at all costs, experts have warned.
Once friendly terms have been established with neighbours, psychologists say victims will never escape unbearable conversations and gifts of undrinkable wine.
Dr Alice Peterson said: “Once the neighbours get their claws into you, it is impossible to ever completely get rid of them, like herpes or the Conservative Party.
“Even the merest amount of civil behaviour will be interpreted as an unbreakable spiritual bond.”
Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I made the mistake of nodding at them, and now it’s like we’re serving a life sentence together.
“They’re coming round every five fucking minutes to have long, one-sided ‘chats’ about their kid getting into Loughborough University.”
Dr Peterson stressed the only escape was to live in a hot air balloon or an abandoned car.