Becoming friends with neighbours will ruin your life

SOCIAL contact with neighbours must be avoided at all costs, experts have warned.

Once friendly terms have been established with neighbours, psychologists say victims will never escape unbearable conversations and gifts of undrinkable wine.

Dr Alice Peterson said: “Once the neighbours get their claws into you, it is impossible to ever completely get rid of them, like herpes or the Conservative Party.

“Even the merest amount of civil behaviour will be interpreted as an unbreakable spiritual bond.”

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I made the mistake of nodding at them, and now it’s like we’re serving a life sentence together.

“They’re coming round every five fucking minutes to have long, one-sided ‘chats’ about their kid getting into Loughborough University.”

Dr Peterson stressed the only escape was to live in a hot air balloon or an abandoned car.

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Everyone learning Spanish actually just looking for a relationship

BRITONS taking Spanish lessons are just doing it to meet someone nice, it has been confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that adults taking Spanish evening classes had minimal to zero interest in the country’s language or culture.

49-year-old Spanish evening class attendee Tom Booker said: “I’ve picked up ‘ola’ and ‘por favor’, otherwise I’m mostly focused on the attractive, possibly divorced lady who always sits in the corner.

“I’m going to sit here and listen to people prattling on in this strange foreign tongue until I pluck up the courage to ask her out.”

41-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I decided to learn Spanish because most of my friends are married. Also I quite like paella. Is that Spanish?”

Spanish tutor Emma Bradford said: “It can get frustrating when everyone turns up having not done the homework, then just sits there gazing at each other longingly.

“Actually one of the worst students is pretty hot. Maybe he’s single. I might organise a spurious ‘revision session’ in a local tapas bar.”