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Beer garden holding Festival of Twats

YOUR local pub has announced it is holding a weekend-long Festival of Twats in its extensive beer garden.

The Festival, which kicked off straight after work on Friday evening, will see the outdoor area thronged with loud, drunken arseholes all day every day.

Tom Logan said: “I thought I’d pop by for one, what with the weather being so delightful, went through to sip in the sunshine and was confronted by a veritable plethora of twattery.

“From the lads on coke in bucket hats to the table of very middle-aged, very sunburned, very pissed men to the wrecked girls who’ve mistaken shrieking for fun, there were twats of every stripe. It was bell-end Glastonbury.

“They’d even put a few imported twats on: the lairy blokes openly pissing again the fence were Scottish, the guy trying to cadge fags was Irish and the bird with the out-of-control Alsatian was German.

“Whether you were uncomfortably near the Scousers smoking weed, in the way of a depressing second-marriage hen party or being confrontationally chatted up by someone’s pissed rough mum, it was a twat encounter session without equal. Marvellous.”

He added: “Let me neck six pints and I’ll join you.”

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Unbearable couple f**k up house and garden with massive extension

AN awful couple have built an enormous rear extension which has ruined their home and rendered their garden obsolete, it has emerged.

Nathan and Francesca Muir’s house now boasts an impractical hangar-style space where their perfectly good kitchen used to be and a narrow strip of lawn which will never get any natural light.

Francesca said: “I love throwing open the bifolds to admire the garden I can barely stand in. This was definitely worth spending tens of thousands of pounds on.

“Meanwhile the new open-plan living area is designed to resemble the separate rooms we knocked down in order to build it. Only now nobody has any personal space and in the summer it’s bound to overheat. It’s the best of both worlds.

“My favourite features are the uncomfortable stools by the breakfast bar which nobody will ever use. I can only imagine they have increased our property’s value tenfold, which is the only reason we f**ked up an otherwise great home to begin with.”

Husband Nathan said: “I’m thinking we pave over the garden next, slap on a pebble dash and give the ceiling some Artex texturing. Really go all in on making this extension as awful as possible.”

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