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Six things you end up doing at a sensible, mature stag do

STAG dos are no longer the preserve of louts on the piss. Classy, refined grown-ups enjoy them too, and these horribly sophisticated things will happen: 

Alcohol tasting

Tasting, not drinking. There’ll be no raucous cries of ‘down it’ on this cultured excursion as you would be unable to appreciate the finely-aged whisky served in the thimble in front of you. Instead, you’ll all sit in rapt silence as a posh bearded man explains what you thought you already knew: how to drink. Then, polite nods all round as you sip.

Exercising

Hedonism on stag dos is for boys. Real men want to run around like oversized golden retrievers and chase endorphins by playing Zorb football or Ultimate frisbee. Not even a trip to a strip club for one last lap dance as a free man could get the stag’s pulse racing like the early morning 5K run you’ll all do as a bonding exercise.

Making mature friends

Going on the pull might be top of the agenda for some other guys, but your group has happily struck up a repertoire with a married couple from Canada and is recommending them some nice restaurants and outings. The buzz of giving Tony and Jill help with their holiday far outweighs the temporary thrill of debauched nightclub shenanigans.

Stealing fancy glassware instead of traffic cones

Now you have a smart BMW M5 you care about the rules of the road. You certainly won’t be messing around with important construction markers. The only thing coming home with you is a restaurant’s charming water tumblers because they’ll go so nicely with your kitchen. You’ll giggle with glee at how impressed future dinner party guests will be.

Going to bed at a reasonable hour

After a busy day of carefully choreographed activities, the old yawn and stretch is enough for everyone to agree it’s time for bed. Too old for airbeds, you each snuggle down into your comfy mattresses and tell each other how much you appreciate your friendship. The only late-night trip to the toilet is due to Ryan from university’s tiny weak bladder, and not because he’s had one too many beers.

Receiving a commemorative gift

Traditionally, the lasting gift of a stag do is a questionable tattoo or gonorrhoea. Not so when it comes to a mature man’s send off. Instead you’ll receive a beautiful leather bound photo album filled with images taken over the weekend. Because what happens on a grown-up stag do stays with you forever as a wonderful shared experience.

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Six anecdotes you really wish you hadn't started telling

EVERYONE has funny little tales to tell, and everyone gets halfway through it before realising their audience is bored shitless but they can’t stop now: 

The one where you met a celebrity 

These tend to start strong. There’s mystery, there’s suspense. Just who did you brush past in a club 20 years ago? It’s only when you reveal that it was some non-entity who had minor chart success that the excitement starts to drain out of the room. At which point some knobhead will have to swoop in and liven things up with the story of how they got a selfie with George Clooney.

The one where you got something extra

Everybody loves getting a little bit more than what they paid for, but this doesn’t mean it translates into stories anyone wants to hear. Tales of flight upgrades and optional extras on cars thrown in for free are fair game, but your anecdote about getting 11 slices of unsmoked bacon in your pack of ten are a waste of air. Is your life really that unremarkable?

The one where you were caught short

Who doesn’t have a story where they’re busting for the loo and have had to relieve themselves in a bush? This is okay to share if it’s a number one, whereas your story about shitting into a Pringles tube while waiting in traffic on the M6 should be taken with you to the grave. It poses too many questions, like how did you dispose of the evidence and can you ever taste sour cream and chive again?

The one when you nearly played sport at a high level

You might be tempted to reach for this story if the rest of your life has been incredibly dull. Don’t. As you begin to tease details about your budding sporting promise, people’s enthusiasm will start to fade when they realise you were only talent spotted for Kwik Cricket and not something impressive like football. You weren’t even held back by an interesting injury, you just proved to be quite shit at it.

The one about your extravagant sexual encounter

When it comes to sex anecdotes, think before you speak. Tales of boning in an unusual place or getting railed in an elaborate position are harmless fun when shared between friends, but do they contain details you need to skip over? You don’t want to get halfway through an erotic tale only to remember that you were shagging the recipient’s partner behind their back.

The one where you were too drunk

Drunken exploits are hilarious in your memory, it’s only when you try to recount them in the cold light of day that you understand how unpleasant they sound. Waking up in a pool of your own vomit is a bit too real and tragic, and you’ll notice the mood change from hilarity to disbelief to disgust as you try to contextualise it with humorous details. Particularly awkward if you’re sharing it at an intervention.

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