Five batshit celebrity couples you would accept at this point

BILL Murray dating Kelis would have shocked you years ago, but now everything is so bonkers it barely registers. Even these celebrity couples would fail to astonish you.

Greta Thunberg and Andrew Tate

One’s a Swedish climate activist, the other’s an online blowhard beloved by your weird cousin who lives in a basement. They sound like a doomed match on paper, but maybe their Twitter spats are the younger generation’s equivalent of flirting? Perhaps, deep down, Greta thinks she can fix the Top G like she can the environment. He’ll have to lose all the Bugattis first though.

David Attenborough and Kim Kardashian

A few years ago you would have refused to entertain this possibility. He’s a renowned broadcaster and documentary maker, whereas the most famous thing she’s ever filmed dwells in the recesses of PornHub. Reality has taken its toll of late though, and now you’re so weary you’ll accept it willingly. Why not make it a throuple with Rhianna? You don’t care anymore.

Taylor Swift and Taylor Swift

Unusual, but perhaps the only logical next step for the pop star. Having worked her way through most of the eligible A-list bachelors and Matt Healy, a fling with self-partnering is one of the few routes left open to her. And if it doesn’t work out she can always write a scathing, chart-topping tune about how underwhelming she found herself.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard

Was that lengthy trial for nothing? Haven’t they burnt their respective bridges enough? Perhaps not. After all, fellow celebrity couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez got back together after breaking off an engagement. Maybe relationships, like time, are a flat circle we are all doomed to repeat. If nothing else, that explains why you drunk text your ex.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Angelina Jolie

The most insane celebrity coupling on this list. He’s one of the biggest actors in Hollywood and she’s well over 25. Such a pairing goes against the known laws of the universe. Physics as we know it would have to be rewritten from the ground up if these two ever got together. Even then, your reaction would be an exhausted ‘okay’.

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30 degree heat makes getting smashed this lunchtime mandatory

SOARING temperatures mean that popping out of the office for six pints this lunchtime is compulsory behaviour, it has been confirmed.

The heat-health alert being raised from yellow to amber has brought heavy lunchtime drinking rules into effect and must be followed to the letter by anyone who is in work or unemployed.

Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty said: “The mercury has hit 30C, so  you need to step away from your desk at lunch, double park yourself, and get steadily hammered. For your health.

“Anyone who’s caught sober from mid-afternoon onwards will be fined on the spot or forced to drink a pint through a funnel while everyone else chants ‘chug-chug-chug-chug.’ And don’t forget that eating is cheating.”

Office boss Martin Bishop said: “It sounds crazy but the rules are there in black and white in your contract. So what are you waiting for? Turn your computer off now and get down to the pub pronto.”

Homeworker Emma Bradford said: “Way ahead of you. I’ve been permanently half cut since the first peep of sun in April. Cheers.”