Beer's more expensive and four more things Londoners already f**king know

ONE great privilege of living in an overcrowded, overpriced city is hearing visitors’ stunningly original observations about it. Here are five remarks Londoners just love: 

‘Beer’s more expensive down here’

Thanks to the sky-high commercial rents and the higher cost of living, of course it’s more expensive. You’re paying for the privilege of drinking it in central London and not at a working men’s club in Burnley. Jump back on the nearest train if £3 pints mean that much to you.

‘London is massive’

Christ, nothing gets past you, does it? Who would have thought that one of the largest metropolitan centres in the world was big? They need to ship you out to one of those Asian mega-cities pronto to make similarly astute observations.

‘People aren’t friendly’

Many non-city dwellers comment on the fact that busy Londoners often fail to stop and having a pointless, meandering chat with a visitor from Wales. If your definition of friendly is a stranger jabbering at you on public transport, you might want to try a night bus to Romford at three in the morning.

‘The Tube is horrible’

Yes, watching a rat run across a platform to start chewing another rat’s corpse is kind of grim, if a useful metaphor. But it’s not as horrible as living in a village with no shop, no pub and a twice-weekly bus service.

‘There’s no green space’

If you mean barren moorland where people shoot animals for fun, no, there’s not a lot of that. However, there are lots of big, beautiful parks where you can do everything from row a boat to go to an art gallery. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, you miserable provincial twat.

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Gender party reveals foetus as 'boy' and parents as 'twats'

A GENDER reveal party has confirmed the sex of a baby and the utter twattishness of his parents.

The ostentatious event involved 12 blue-painted doves being released from a giant cake to inform guests that the foetus was male, and that the mother and father were f**king insufferable.

Guest Joshua Hudson said: “The parents decided to find a grotesquely extravagant way to reveal a colour, which told us what sex the baby was, and also that they’re the kind of lunatics who think these parties are something other than a huge, narcissistic waste of everyone’s time.

“Just send a text, for Christ’s sake. It’s not even very interesting information. I’d rather go to a party that revealed the plot of the next series of Succession.

“I bet my girlfriend it would be a boy, but I’m still annoyed we bothered coming. Ten quid can’t make up for this afternoon.

“And we couldn’t even eat the cake because the doves shat all over it.”