Sunday, 16th May 2021

Beer's more expensive and four more things Londoners already f**king know

ONE great privilege of living in an overcrowded, overpriced city is hearing visitors’ stunningly original observations about it. Here are five remarks Londoners just love: 

‘Beer’s more expensive down here’

Thanks to the sky-high commercial rents and the higher cost of living, of course it’s more expensive. You’re paying for the privilege of drinking it in central London and not at a working men’s club in Burnley. Jump back on the nearest train if £3 pints mean that much to you.

‘London is massive’

Christ, nothing gets past you, does it? Who would have thought that one of the largest metropolitan centres in the world was big? They need to ship you out to one of those Asian mega-cities pronto to make similarly astute observations.

‘People aren’t friendly’

Many non-city dwellers comment on the fact that busy Londoners often fail to stop and having a pointless, meandering chat with a visitor from Wales. If your definition of friendly is a stranger jabbering at you on public transport, you might want to try a night bus to Romford at three in the morning.

‘The Tube is horrible’

Yes, watching a rat run across a platform to start chewing another rat’s corpse is kind of grim, if a useful metaphor. But it’s not as horrible as living in a village with no shop, no pub and a twice-weekly bus service.

‘There’s no green space’

If you mean barren moorland where people shoot animals for fun, no, there’s not a lot of that. However, there are lots of big, beautiful parks where you can do everything from row a boat to go to an art gallery. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, you miserable provincial twat.