The Flat Earth Society's guide to going on holiday

IF there is one thing we can all agree on in these uncertain times, it’s that the Earth is a big flat circle. Here’s how to enjoy a holiday on our massive floating disc:

Use binoculars to decide your destination

One of the great advantages of the Earth being completely flat is that you can see everything all the time with a powerful enough telescope. Close your eyes, spin in a circle and whatever you see first when you open them is where you’re going. Pyramids – here we come!

Don’t look out the plane window

Don’t let your curiosity get the better of you by looking out of the plane window to see the so-called ‘curvature of the Earth’. If you think you’re seeing it, you are either experiencing confirmation bias or you’ve had one too many miniature whiskeys. In any case, you’re wrong.

Use a big zipline

Why spend money on airfare when you can just climb to the top of a hill and zipline your way to Portugal? Of course, you’re not experiencing gravity, but instead the mysterious force we call ‘dark energy’. No, that’s not made up, we read it on the internet, which is entirely factual.

Visit the fantasy NASA theme park

NASA is similar to Disneyland in its fantastical nature and use of forced perspective. Why not take the whole family for a tour and have a photo with three dwarves stacked inside a life-sized flesh suit of Buzz Aldrin?

Don’t fall off the edge

Woah, careful! When you reach the gargantuan ice wall which encompasses our ever-accelerating space disc to stop the sea running into space, you’ve gone too far. Or you’re on drugs. It’s hard to say which.

Giving an erotic massage and other activities you'll regret 30 seconds after starting

MANY things in life seem like a brilliant idea to begin with before almost immediately becoming tedious, painful and irritating. Here are some to avoid: 

Erotic massage

Offering to massage your partner as a precursor to sex seems like a wonderful idea. The reality is that squishing their shoulders like Play-Doh whilst throwing in the odd karate chop isn’t fun for anyone. You get a painful cramp and they get annoyed that you’ve ruined their sheets with baby oil.

Ringing your parents

It seems like a nice thing to do, until your mum picks up and you realise you’re getting the same conversational set menu as always: moaning about your siblings, a vaguely racist anecdote about the neighbours and 15 solid minutes on the saga of their new blinds.

Camping

Camping loses its lustre even before the bit where you have to put the tent up in horizontal rain and then do a shit in a bush, when you realise how much equipment you have to take with you. Unfortunately you’ve already paid the best part of £200 to spend a week hating every second of your life, so you’re committed now.

Taking the bus

Sometimes taking the bus seems like a good alternative to driving. The second you set foot on it, you change your mind. Apart from the usual perpetually furious driver, sticky seats and inconvenient, circuitous journey, you now have to ask the aggressive oddball next to you if they could wear their mask properly and stop breathing on you.

Crosswords

Relaxing with a crossword seems like a great idea until you’ve scanned all the clues fruitlessly and realise you know f**k all. You’ll eventually get two easy ones right after cheating with Google, and then abandon it on your coffee table as a lingering reminder that you’re just a bit thick.