Saturday, 24th October 2020

The Flat Earth Society's guide to going on holiday

IF there is one thing we can all agree on in these uncertain times, it’s that the Earth is a big flat circle. Here’s how to enjoy a holiday on our massive floating disc:

Use binoculars to decide your destination

One of the great advantages of the Earth being completely flat is that you can see everything all the time with a powerful enough telescope. Close your eyes, spin in a circle and whatever you see first when you open them is where you’re going. Pyramids – here we come!

Don’t look out the plane window

Don’t let your curiosity get the better of you by looking out of the plane window to see the so-called ‘curvature of the Earth’. If you think you’re seeing it, you are either experiencing confirmation bias or you’ve had one too many miniature whiskeys. In any case, you’re wrong.

Use a big zipline

Why spend money on airfare when you can just climb to the top of a hill and zipline your way to Portugal? Of course, you’re not experiencing gravity, but instead the mysterious force we call ‘dark energy’. No, that’s not made up, we read it on the internet, which is entirely factual.

Visit the fantasy NASA theme park

NASA is similar to Disneyland in its fantastical nature and use of forced perspective. Why not take the whole family for a tour and have a photo with three dwarves stacked inside a life-sized flesh suit of Buzz Aldrin?

Don’t fall off the edge

Woah, careful! When you reach the gargantuan ice wall which encompasses our ever-accelerating space disc to stop the sea running into space, you’ve gone too far. Or you’re on drugs. It’s hard to say which.