The middle class twat's guide to buying drugs

DO you fancy a toot of coke to liven up a party but have no idea how to purchase anything stronger than paracetamol? Here’s what to do.

Sheepishly ask around your friends

Asking your mates if they know where you can buy some drugs will end in several of them them ditching you for being a criminal. Never mind, though, because eventually you’ll get a number off a friend of a friend of a friend of a dodgy bloke they met once met at a festival.

Send an embarrassingly middle class text

You shop at Waitrose too much to have any clue about the lingo to use with drug dealers, but try not to write something too cringeworthy. Anything that falls between the embarrassing extremes of ‘Please may I buy some drugs?’ and ‘Yo, blud. Got any gear?’ should do it.

Freak out about the pick-up

Your parents always told you never to do drugs or get in a car with a stranger, and now you’re about to do both at once. Try not to show your fear when they ask you to drive round the block with them and don’t start crying, however shit-your-pants scared you feel.

Try to make polite conversation

Because you’re so well brought up, your instinct will be to make small talk whilst the handover takes place. But while you think your dealer will appreciate a compliment about their seat upholstery, they actually just want you to hand over the money and f**k off.

Act like it was nothing

Once you’ve had a long lie down to calm your palpitations, you can pretend you buy drugs all the time. No one will be convinced, especially when you have a meltdown after one snort, convince yourself you’ve taken an overdose, and insist on being taken to A&E.

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Catching Covid fifth worst thing that can happen to you in Northern pub

THE government’s plan to close pubs across Northern England has been met with surprise as regulars say their favourite hostelries present far greater dangers than catching coronavirus.

Locals have confirmed that getting into a fight with seven angry bikers out for a jaunt round the Yorkshire Dales is much more likely to kill you than a measly little illness.

Barnsley local Roy Hobbs said: “There are far worse things than Covid lurking in the shitholes I drink at.

“If you don’t get bludgeoned by a big lad with a pool cue, you’ll end up stuck talking to a nutter drinking snakebite and feeding pickled eggs to his dog.

“Plus, the toilets are covered in germs that would put the bubonic plague to shame, let alone coronavirus. If you leave without a catching a rash from a toilet seat that requires a trip to A&E, you’ve had a cracking night out.

“The very worst thing that can happen to you, of course, is being a Southerner. Then you deserve all the beatings you get, plus Covid on top for good measure.”