Being a father finally pays off

FATHERS across Britain are enjoying the moment when a year of parenting finally pays dividends.  

After 364 days of school runs, bedtime stories and beatings disguised as play, fathers are reaping a rich harvest of novelty socks, barbecue accoutrements and a card implying they like golf and/or moustaches.

Father of two Tom Booker said: “Some of my bachelor mates look at me, exhausted and broken from parenthood, and think it’s for mugs.

“They don’t see that I’m playing the long game. That every Father’s Day I collect the winnings by unwrapping a box of supermarket own-brand liquor chocolates and a bottle of unusable hot sauce.

“And after that, a trip to a vintage car rally. Oh yeah. This daddy ain’t no fool.”

But George Logan, aged eight, said: “Christ, I’ll be glad when it’s over.

“There’s no gratitude, that’s what gets me. He struts around all day like Billy Big Bollocks, acting like a handmade card and being served toast in bed is his absolute due.

“First thing Monday morning I’m going to make him wish he’d had the snip. If I have to pay my Father’s Day tax that bastard’s going to earn it.”

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Weird Dreamland promises disturbingly magical day out

A RE-OPENED theme park is promising visitors a wondrous and deeply unsettling experience.

Weird Dreamland, in Margate, offers a series of rides and amusements that will ‘penetrate your psyche and drag your subconscious kicking and screaming into the light’.

A spokesman said: “You can ride the rollercoaster shaped like your English teacher, visit the hall of mirrors that make you look like an angry spider, or just stand next to the massive, white tree that knows what you’re thinking.”

Seventy-eight year-old Margate resident Eleanor Gerving, said: “I used to go to Weird Dreamland back in the late Fifties.

“Weirdness was much weirder back then and I would always come home and sit in the cupboard under the stairs, feeling very unusual.  During the summer holidays I would go every day for a fortnight.

“But I wouldn’t recommend that because it will fuck you up.”