Being ignored by shallow wankers: five advantages to being unattractive

EVER thought that the beautiful get all the perks? Not entirely. These five things that make being plain and unappealing worthwhile: 

Shallow wankers ignoring you completely

Not much to look at? Then skin-deep dickheads only interested in your chiselled jaw and six-pack, or alternatively your flawless complexion and big boobs, won’t monopolise your time. Only those truly interested in you will stick around to hear what you have to say. Of course they’ll be nowt much to look at.

You can develop a personality

The gorgeous never get to, because everyone’s delighted at everything they say or do. Your inherent hideousness gives you opportunity and incentive to get a good sense of humour and a few interests. These will keep you busy on the long, frequent nights where nobody wants to buy you drinks or shag you.

The thrill of achievement

Have you ever heard a hot person complain that they only got their well-paid job or business-class upgrade because of their looks? And sympathised, while hating your own pathetic neediness? At least with a face like yours you know every promotion or kind word is a result of hard work, not hard abs.

Aging’s not your greatest fear

The desirable know time is coming for them, and worry endlessly about their faces sagging and their waistlines growing. The rest of us have nothing to maintain and might even look better older when expectations are lower. Spend your Botox and moisturiser on a nice holiday.

You’ll never be cursed by a jealous witch

Beautiful fairytale princesses and handsome princes are constantly at risk of being put into 100-year comas by envious old crone. Fair to say they’d have no interest in a humble hunchback like you. And you’ll probably get to be the hero in the end. While still being ugly.

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What a wonderful start to the working week, agrees Britain

THE UK has had a lovely four days off celebrating the Jubilee before returning to work for a pleasant day of getting rid of Boris Johnson.  

The whole country has arrived back in the workplace in cheerful mood, chatting around watercoolers about the Queen’s Paddington moment, the Party at the Palace line-up and the fact the lying prick could be gone by the end of tonight’s Springwatch.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “What a start to the summer. Nice weather, a long weekend and the prospect of Boris being defenestrated.

“I was just discussing how delicious it was to hear him booed by a crowd of flag-waving Royalists when Marie rushed in with the news that the letters were in. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a happier office on a Monday.

“We’re not counting our chickens here. We know the Tories are stupid and suicidal and there’s every chance he’ll scrape through fatally damaged, but isn’t it so nice to dream?”

Accountant Jo Kramer agreed: “Just when the national mood was starting to sag with nothing more to look forward to, this happens like a Red Arrows flypast in my heart.

“Ah, think of him out on his arse with bunting still on the railings and Union Jack paper plates in the gutter. I can’t imagine a more marvellously British occasion.”