THE Queen has admitted she ruined her own Platinum Jubilee celebrations by going far too hard on the first day.
Her Majesty, who after Thursday was only able to make a single brief hungover balcony appearance for the last three days of the event, apologised to the nation for not being able to restrain herself.
She said: “As every 19-year-old on a lads’ trip to Dublin knows, on a four-day event you have to hold back early doors. But I got carried away.
“I’ve been building up for so long that as soon as Thursday hit I was out of control. The balcony flypast and the lighting of the beacons were only what you saw. Behind the scenes it was mental.
“I swear I thought I’d be attending the Thanksgiving Service until I realised the sun was streaming into the state apartments, everyone around me was unconscious, it was 8am and I hadn’t slept for 36 hours.
“Like an amateur blasting through his full stash on the first day of Glastonbury and spending the next three days in the tent, like the lad at the stag do who gets so hammered on the first night he can’t touch a drop all weekend, I’d f**ked it.
“I spent all Friday and Saturday in bed. They came in saying ‘it’s the Derby now’ or ‘it’s Party at the Palace’, took one look at the state I was in, and pissed off. I have never been so ill.
“My humble apologies for everyone for being such a lightweight. I’ve let the nation down. I should probably abdicate.”