Bikes and cars fundamentally incompatible

THE combination of pedal-based transport and motor vehicles on roads is utterly insane, it has been confirmed.

As France changes its laws to give cyclists a small, survival-rate-increasing head start at traffic lights, the Institute for Studies has stated that fast metal boxes and slow, wobbling dangerously-exposed humans can never happily co-exist.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “One of the key reasons for this whole car/bike thing not working at all is that little eggshell hats offer somewhat different levels of protection to, for example, a big fuck-off lorry cab.

“We’d all like this relationship to work, but for the same reason that riding a pogo stick through a herd of panicked bison isn’t a great idea, it doesn’t.

“Cars and bikes playing nicely together is a bit like weekend ‘mini-breaks’ to countries more than three hours away, or the simplistic pacifism of the John Lennon song Imagine – a basically  flawed notion that humans can’t resist clinging to.

“Maybe the solution is two separate roads. Or that everyone in the country cycles on a Tuesday.

“I don’t know, it’s a real toughie.”

Cyclist Emma Bradford said: “Cycling to work helps the environment and brings an exciting element of immense peril to my otherwise hum-drum routine.

“Personally I’m pinning my hopes on fossil fuels running out before something really bad happens.”



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Nick Griffin tipped as England manager

PUNDITS have predicted Nick Griffin will be the next England manager on the basis everyone already hates him anyway.

The FA feels that the monocular tabloid-bait has the requisite blend of self-delusion, unlikeability and experience at being spat on to lead England into an ignominious Euro 2012.

An FA spokesman said: “Nick knows nothing about modern footballing tactics, which puts him on a par with Terry Venables, and he’s spent his whole life arguing that englishmen are superior despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“Stuart Pearce will be an ideal caretaker manager, given his and his brother’s past, but Nick has already shown on Question Time that he’s more than capable of spouting utter horsehit to a hostile audience.”

Griffin indicated his preferred first XI when he takes on the role, but since has acknowledged that Luis Suarez isn’t English and he can’t just pick John Terry eleven times.

The FA would raise funds to pay Griffin for not winning anything by selling all the would-be managers’ hats currently in the ring.

The collection of managerial millinery features an enormously-wide woollen hat from Madrid, an FA baseball cap covered in Sham 69 & Stranglers badges and one postmarked West Ham accompanied by a begging letter.

The spokesman added: “Ordinarily we raise funds by selling all the letters threatening painful death to the current manager to a paper recycling plant, so it’s nice to have another revenue stream.”