Boomer’s house gains £82.80 in value during single rant about lazy millennials

A MAN’S house gained more than 80 pounds in value while he sat in it moaning about how lazy millennials are.

Bill McKay, aged 62, accrued the same amount of cash he accused the younger generation of spending monthly on Netflix and Deliveroo simply by being a blustering old twat on his sofa.

McKay said: “I worked very hard and didn’t have a holiday for four whole years to buy my house for £24,000 in 1985, so it’s clear to me that the only reason millennials can’t do the same is because they’re bone idle.

“Yes, I’m able to reap the rewards now, sitting on my arse reading the Express, because I took early retirement with an enormous final salary pension while my property constantly gets more valuable. But I grafted for it.

“I’m in this position because of my skills, my good judgment and my impressive work ethic, not because I had the blind, dumb luck to be born at a time of growth, wealth and job security.

“Yes, my house is worth £80,000 more in a year without my doing anything, and indeed £80 more since I’ve been going on. Why can’t that inspire you to follow in my footsteps rather than be envious?”

Son Jack McKay said: “I spent two hours rehearsing arguments to prove his boomer nonsense wrong. During which his house accumulated another £165.60 in value.”

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This abject failure of a crucial policy is great news for us, claim Tories

THE Conservatives are celebrating their absolute failure to deliver on a key policy, believing that it will be a big hit with the voters that policy is important to. 

Following yesterday’s non-departure of a flight taking asylum seekers to Rwanda, leading figures in the government are jubilant about their extremely public fiasco.

A Home Office insider said: “They’ve fallen into our trap. Now all the voters’ anger will be directed at lefty lawyers like Sir Keir Starmer, rather than the people who came up with this unworkable policy and couldn’t carry it through.

“Middle England is up in arms about migrants in boats. So by very publically not managing to remove a pitiful number of them, at massive cost, we have got those voters locked in. Why would they back anyone else after this?

“Our enemies have played right into our hands by proving what we were doing was illegal. Nobody’s got any bad associations with this particular government and breaking the law.

“Another few failed flights like this, while the migrants continue to roll in, and we’ll be indelibly associated with an absurd policy that hasn’t worked in any way. And that has got electoral landslide written all over it.”

Joe Turner of Colchester said: “It’s sheer vote-winning genius. I hope we don’t remove a single asylum seeker. That’ll destroy Labour in the polls.”