Bowling only of interest to show-offs

TRIPS to bowling alleys are always organised by men who want to show off, it has emerged.

Bowling, which seemed exciting when introduced in the 80s because it was American, has bafflingly persisted as a leisure activity despite being just skittles with communal shoes.

Tom Booker of Leeds said: “I went along on the promise of fun, but it turns out Gary has his own personal bowling ball, footwear and embroidered shirt.

“He gets a strike nearly every time, which isn’t that difficult if you’ve practised a bit because it is just rolling a heavy ball 60 feet in a straight line.

“Bowling has little entertainment value to normal people, even less if someone keeps cackling lines from The Big Lebowski.

 “After manipulating us into a social situation where he gets to be king, Gary has admitted that if we did anything worthwhile he would be the one who failed miserably.”

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Polish man accused of deluging village

A POLISH man is overwhelming a village in Cornwall, it has been claimed.

Piotr Bacik arrived in Chapel Cross a year ago and local Tories fear that his presence will result in their children being forced to eat kielbasa for lunch every day.

Councillor Nikki Hollis said: “He swarms over here and it’s only a matter of time before we’re all walking around dressed like Lech Walesa and drinking schnapps or whatever the relevant sickly drink is.

“This used to be a nice, quiet village but now it has a Polish man living in it. Enough is enough.”

Hollis has promised residents an urgent review of the situation and has asked that the Polish man report his whereabouts to the police every morning until further notice.

Local resident Julian Cook said: “One only has to look at neighbouring Balcombe, which now has a World Foods section in its Tesco Metro, to see where this can lead.

“This isn’t racism – I’ve met Piotr and he’s a decent enough fellow if you can understand his guttural Slavic accent – but we’ve leapt from 123 residents to 124 in the last 12 months. We’re full.”