Boy wants to be police senior management when he grows up

A FIVE-YEAR-OLD has explained how he wants to be a policeman who sits in a large office coming up with initiatives like ‘crime reduction partnerships’.

Tom Logan’s police fantasies never involve catching criminals, instead focusing on jargon-filled presentations entitled ‘Managing Stakeholder Crime Expectations’.

Parent Emma Logan said: “Tom hates playing outside or doing any sort of physical exercise, so I suppose it’s only natural that he wants a career in police management. Yesterday he made all his teddies and Action Men sit in rows and used my iPad to give a PowerPoint talk on diversity.

“When I asked if he was going to catch any baddies he said ‘no’ because he had to attend a two-day ‘continuing professional development’ conference about cybercrime at a luxury hotel.

“I know kids want to be a police senior manager one day and an astronaut the next, but I think Tom’s serious because he won’t touch his toy police car but loves pretending to do his expenses claims.”

Tom said: “Policemen have to arrest nasty scary people who do bad things. That sounds horrid so I’d prefer to get on a fast-track graduate promotion scheme and sit in an office thinking up ideas for crap initiatives called things like ‘CrimeLink’.”

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Pep Guardiola assigns positions to everyone in Manchester

NEW Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola has announced the positions that all 514,000 of the city’s residents must stay in throughout his reign. 

The position-obsessed manager, full name Peppa el Cerdo Guardiola, once dropped Thierry Henry for scoring a goal from three inches away from his allotted spot and promises to exercise the same rigour on the people of Manchester.

Mancunian Roy Hobbs said: “I’m only allowed on the south side of Oldham Street between Piccadilly Records and Afflecks Palace, and there’s a row of cones to make sure I don’t stray.

“My girlfriend’s on the other side of the street, her movements similarly restricted between Dry Bar and Leo’s Fish Bar, and so we cannot be together until Pep leaves in 2019 or City win the Champion’s League, whichever happens first.”

Guardiola, who will be enforcing positioning by hovering above Manchester in a helicopter screaming through a megaphone, has promised to be the city’s most exacting disciplinarian since Mark E Smith.

The rules do not apply to neighbouring Salford, where Louis Van Gaal has already banned residents from going forward in any but the most tentative and unconvincing way.