Boys' nights out vs girls' nights out: The massive dissimilarities

THE differences between boys’ nights out and girls’ nights out run much deeper than the effort they put into their wardrobes. These are the cavernous dissimilarities.


Banter is the engine that propels a boys’ night out. Without a witty back and forth, men would be forced to discuss their feelings and personal problems, which would bring the fun to a juddering halt. The standard formula of conversation goes: overblown heartiness, long silences where they try to think of another joke, alcohol, banter, repeat. If a girl called her friend a wanker on a night out it would quickly dissolve into screaming matches in the toilet and a lifelong grudge.

Conversations about the opposite sex

When women talk about romantic problems, her gal pals will quickly reassure her that she is a Queen and a unicorn and that she should know her worth. Not so with men. Blokes will never dry each other’s tears when they’ve been dumped and tell their fallen bro they’re so much better than that deadbeat skank anyway. Instead they’ll be treated to gales of laughter, a punch on the arm, and a reminder that they’ll probably die alone.

Fertility discussions

A girls’ night out should end when the conversation turns to ageing, fertility and doubts over whether their spouse is The One. This is the female equivalent of when men decide it’s a good time to start a fight with a bus shelter or tell their mates they’ve always loved them. In the unlikely event that a man talks about fertility, it’s in hushed, terrified tones and involves a split condom.


The received wisdom is that real men do not take selfies. And rightly so. Nobody scrolls through social media hoping to see poorly lit photos of gormless men wearing Ben Sherman shirts. For women though, selfies are the whole point of the night out. Even if they spark tensions because Lauren thinks her forehead looks too big and she’s begging for the evidence to be deleted. It’s all part of the fun.


When women brush away advancing suitors by saying they’re just having a girls’ night out, they mean it. The sanctity of the sisterhood is paramount, and no horny bloke is going to ruin their fun. Men on the other hand are constantly scanning the room like the T-800 for a potential conquest. Even the closest of guys will ditch each other in a heartbeat if there’s the faintest chance of getting laid.

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Six types of nice people it's perfectly fine to hate

NICE people are pleasant enough, but their agreeable nature can also make them pissing annoying. That makes it totally okay to hate ones like these. 

The overly chirpy 

Far from lighting up every room they waft into, overly chirpy people reek of naivety and bring out your most cynical impulses. Counter a cheery platitude about the weather with a reminder that death comes to us all. Imagine their birthday party where no one turned up and they weepily ate cake alone. This didn’t happen because all their chirpy mates would have been there, full of boundless excitement, but it’s good for your own peace of mind.


Helping the elderly across the road and picking up litter is all well and good. In fact society would be better off if everyone was like this. But you can’t help but notice a tiny glint of self-satisfaction in their eye as they go about their virtuous deeds. Sorry, do-gooders, this cancels out all your admirable behaviour.


Generously giving money to those in need is an admirable thing to do. However it’s somewhat less impressive if the benefactor is f**king loaded and could totally splash out a lot more. You’d happily have a hospital wing named after you if you had a couple of million to spare, or at least that’s what you tell yourself as you decline to make a charitable donation of 20p at the Asda checkout.

Bake sale kids 

People younger than you have no business doing anything worthy. They should be making stupid TikTok dances and reinforcing your prejudices. It’s not like anyone will call them out if their cakes or biscuits are shit anyway. Instead you have to fork out money, shovel down whatever charred goods they’re selling, then congratulate them. Talk about getting a free pass.

Wellness practitioners 

Though the fitness instructors of the world may seem to have your best interests at heart, the level of giddy enthusiasm on which they operate is completely unacceptable. Every yoga session is an endurance test of how many times you can be told to ‘hold space for yourself’, inevitably ending in your decision to never return and live with your back pain forever.

Charity shop volunteers 

These bastards know they automatically have the moral high ground, and they use this to provide the worst customer service imaginable. You can’t get mad at them though as they sullenly ring up your order. Imagine the optics. You, a dour-faced bastard, letting rip at a sweet old lady giving up her time for free. Keep the hate to yourself then let it out on safe targets like carol singers.