Wanking, rifling through drawers, and other things you shouldn't do while house sitting

LOOKING after someone’s house while they’re away on holiday? Refrain from doing these things which are bound to backfire.


Far too risky. You don’t know which devices in their home have cameras in them. Your hosts could be monitoring you from their holiday cottage, waiting to catch you in the act and hold you to ransom. And if you do succumb to your impulses, your PornHub searches will be recorded in their Wifi history forever. Go ahead if they have a teenage son, you can blame it on him.

Drink their wine

You’ve had a long hard day of sitting on someone else’s furniture and eating their food, so you deserve a break. Resist the urge to knock back the contents of their wine cellar though. All it takes is one particularly vintage bottle to be opened, and suddenly your act of generosity has left you thousands of pounds in the hole. You probably won’t be asked to house sit next year either.

Watch a horror film

There’s a time and a place to watch horror films. That place is not in someone else’s house. In the dark. When you’re alone. The Grudge isn’t even particularly scary, but once Sarah Michelle Gellar’s ineffable charm has worn off, you’ll be convinced there’s a pale-faced ghost child lurking in the attic. Stick on Lilo & Stitch instead. It’s on Disney+ and it still holds up really well.

Rifle through their drawers

What are you hoping to find here? Compromising financial details? A dildo? Sordid letters from a secret lover? Never mind being unethical, it’s mainly just pathetic. Anyway, your hosts keep all the juicy shit in the inconspicuous shoe box under their bed, so save yourself time and look in there instead. It’s wild.

Throw a house party

Not because it will spiral madly out of control and devolve into a destructive orgy that winds up on the local news. That’s never going to happen because you barely have any friends, and they’re all too busy living their exciting lives while you sit in a house alone. The resulting existential angst will be too much to bear, so get an early night instead.

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Buying something off Amazon: The six most dangerous activities according to your parents

NAVIGATING the modern world can be treacherous for many reasons. None of those reasons, however, are the ones your parents continuously warn you about, like these:

Buying something off Amazon

Online shopping has been around for decades and has many, many authentications to make sure it’s safe. They won’t convince your dad though, who saw something on Facebook about hackers stealing your card to buy drugs. Purchasing things from doorstep sellers is fine, though, despite the fact they’re obviously casing the joint for a burglary later.

Being vegan

Your parents are firmly of the belief that if a human being goes more than two consecutive days without eating some chicken, they will die. And don’t even begin to tell them about fortified plant milks, as your mum will get very worried about how on earth it can be possible to ‘milk’ a cashew nut and need to go for a lie down.

Sports they haven’t seen on telly

Football is fine, because famous people have played it and they seem alright. Rugby’s also safe because your dad likes it, despite the fact that players constantly end up with head injuries. Join a climbing gym though and you’re headed for certain death as far as your parents are concerned.

Going on a date from an app

Serial killers. Every last one. Who knew there were so many serial killers in the world, just waiting on a match? Your mum knew, and she will need proof of life every ten minutes if you are so utterly bloody stupid as to meet someone from a dating app, or she’ll turn up at the Slug and Lettuce all guns blazing.

Visiting a foreign city

Pickpockets and thugs don’t exist in this country, they exclusively roam the streets of any international city. And if you visit somewhere outside of Europe your parents are convinced they’ll never see you again, except on the news when you’re reported missing. They had a lovely holiday in Sydney, but that’s completely different for reasons you don’t want them to go into because they’ll sound a bit racist.

Not buying a house

Less of an activity, more of a lifestyle of chaos and fear. Every day you evade the property ladder is a day of financial ruin and a mortgage is much safer. Your parents don’t want to know that there is no way in hell you can get one unless they give you £50,000. They just want to make you feel bad about it.