Brexit 'won't be like Mad Max' says Davis, in obvious sign that it will be

DAVID Davis has insisted that Brexit will not be a ‘Mad Max dystopia’ in the clearest sign yet that it will be exactly that.

The Brexit secretary’s statement has allowed millions of Britons to begin forming tribes that will  kill each other for clean water and petrol.

Bill McKay, from Coventry, said: “When he says ‘we will continue our track record of high standards’ after Brexit he means ‘Arm yourselves, for devastation is coming which only the ruthless and brutal will survive’.

“I can finally make those modifications to my ride-on lawnmower.”

Davis said: “Post-Brexit we will not, repeat not, become a desert roamed by murderous psychopaths seeking to terrorize the innocent and I will not lead them wearing armour made from Michel Barnier’s bones.”

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Man still hoping to give up not having sex for Lent

A MAN has confirmed that he is still hoping to give up not having sex with anyone for Lent.

Tom Booker, 34, told his friends work colleagues that he decided to make the pledge to give up not having intercourse on Shroive Tuesday but has still to successfully abstain.

Booker said, “I thought putting my lack of sex into some sort of religious context like Lent might have helped but I’d lying if I said it had.

“The nuns didn’t want to hear about it, that’s for sure.

“But you know, we’re only five days into this thing so there’s 35 more hopeful days to go.”

He added: “It’ll be tough but I know if I focus and stick with it I can stop not doing this thing that I’ve not being doing for a while.

“And if I do manage to complete Lent then I might look into becoming a catholic full time.”