Unmarried middle-class man insists on calling partner ‘the missus’

A PRIVATELY educated lawyer keeps referring to his partner as ‘the missus’ as if he were a Cockney cab driver. 

Nobody is sure why Martin Bishop, who holidays in Corsica and watches BBC4, believes it is appropriate to use the plebeian term to describe his partner Emma, a graphic designer.

Colleague Tom Logan said: “We were arranging drinks and Martin said ‘Better ask the missus,’ as if he were Syd James and his wife was a frosty old battleaxe with a tight grip on the purse strings.

“They’re not even married which is strange because you don’t go around describing people as things they clearly are not. I don’t call my wife ‘Sarah, the famous astronaut’.

“It implies he’s under the thumb of a censorious partner, but I’ve met her and she’s a handwringing Guardianista who would never dream of, in her words, ‘restricting Martin’s personal development space’.”

Bishop said: “Us fellas know you don’t want to get on the wrong side of the missus, because you’ll get a crack round the head with a rolling pin like in Andy Capp.

“Which isn’t quite Emma, but she can be quite terse when I forget to include halloumi in the Ocado order.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Northerner abroad convinced he doesn't count as English

A NORTHERN man on holiday thinks that ill feeling about the English does not apply to him

While on a two-week holiday in Thailand, Wayne Hayes has been nodding along whenever a negative opinion about the English has been put forward.

The Warrington plumber has so far agreed that they have bad teeth, do not tip and are all arseholes and wankers.

Hayes said: “When people are talking about the English being up their own arse, they only mean people from south of Birmingham.

“Last night some Irish lads were talking about it and I had to agree – the English are wankers. I think most of the bad stuff in history was done by people from Croydon.”

Hayes added: “On the other hand, whenever people say how great the English are they really mean us salt of the earth, gravy-on-your-chips Northerners.”