Brighton to become the UK’s first ‘twats only’ town

UNBEARABLY smug seaside twat haven Brighton is to ban ordinary people.

The Sussex town, which had increasingly become an overpriced dormitory for London media workers and grizzled ‘big beat’ DJs, is to take the bold step of excluding anyone who does not have a glaringly flawed personality.

A spokesman for Brighton and Hove Council said: “We have a legion of twats here, mixed with a smattering of normal people, and the two groups were really failing to gel.

“On the one hand you’ve got ordinary worker types struggling with massively inflated living costs, while on the other you’ve got self-styled Bohemians with enormously wealthy grandparents, who somehow reconcile ecological beliefs with consuming vast amounts of cocaine.

“For the sake of the local economy, we want to defuse this tension while keeping the people who want to pay vastly over-the-odds for organic vegetables and taxidermy.

“So the normals can go to the nearest affordable town, which is only 212 miles away.”

Brighton resident Julian Cook said: “When I’m not DJing or ‘shopping local’ I like to chill on the beach. I have a small lifelong family income because my ancestors had a sugar plantation, which I’m fairly sure was run as an ethical workers’ co-operative.

“Basically I’m like a pet.”

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Queen reiterates opposition to Nazi genocide

THE Queen has made it clear that she has never been in favour of the Holocaust.

The monarch stressed that a playful fascist salute as a seven year-old was not an endorsement of Nazi genocide, the invasion of Poland or Hitler’s alliance with the Japanese Empire.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “Her Majesty would like to, once again, make clear that she was – and remains – firmly opposed to the Holocaust.

“As for strict laws on racial purity, Her Majesty believes that is a matter for Parliament.”

Meanwhile, it has emerged that as a 12 year-old the Queen wrote to Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin asking for a signed photograph.

The young Princess Elizabeth had ‘gone off’ Hitler after realising the Fuhrer had staged the Reichstag Fire in 1933 and blamed it on a Dutch communist.

A source said: “After that it was all about Stalin. He had very thick hair.”