Britain backs CS gas for queues of more than two people

IF there are more than two people in a queue, tear gas should be used without mercy, according to a new report.

A review of last summer’s riots found that not only would CS gas help to restore order, it could be used to clear restaurants, train carriages  swimming pools and hospitals.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Tear gas is very good at making people go away.

“Let’s say your child is in danger of missing out on a place at an excellent local school. You would simply get hold of some gas – we can help you there – walk into the classroom, hand a gas mask to the teacher and go about your business.

“The room will soon be cleared of annoying, deeply traumatised competitors and the teacher can then give your child the first class education it so richly deserves.

“And if any parents turn up at your door to complain about you tear-gassing their children you can just tear-gas them.”

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “I like to use tear gas at parties. If I find myself talking to someone who is boring or rude, I continue to nod at them as if I am interested, even as I am putting on my gas mask.

“I then pull the pin in the gas grenade and wait for them to collapse in a heap at my feet, retching and coughing as if they are about to expel a kidney.”

He added: “I would very much like to use my tear gas in other situations, such as Tesco Metro or a West End show.”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “I waited six months for a hip replacement. This would not have beeen necessary if I had tear gas.”

Mrs Gerving also backed the use of gas on rioters as long as it kills them.




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Dog eats Miliband's leadership skills

ED Miliband’s ability to be prime minster has been eaten by an alsatian.

As the Labour leader was caught at a football match after claiming he was too ill to attend an NHS conference, he also revealed that Izzard, the party’s pet dog had somehow got into his schoolbag.

He said: “I totally did a load of work on my leadership skills after Hollyoaks.

“When I’d finished I put them in my bag but when I went to get it this morning there was just this mess of ripped up slogans and dog bogies.

“I was really annoyed because I reckon I could have got a ‘C’ in Not Sounding Like the Co-Chair of Roehampton Students Against Pornography.”

He added: “I chased after the dog with a rolled up copy of the New Statesman, but my mum says he’s not right in the head and we’ll have to get these really expensive pills from the vet.

“But I don’t know when we’ll be able to afford them so it’ll probably keep happening.”