Britain demands non-oral coffee

COFFEE that can be injected, snorted or put up your arse will soon be available on the high street.

Consumers claim that however much caffeine there is in a Starbucks’s grande, it’s nowhere near enough.

Coffee designer Tom Logan said: “Our society’s caffeine tolerance has reached a point where traditional ‘drinking’ coffee is no longer effective. By the time it’s been absorbed through your stomach wall, you’ve lost a lot of that ‘kick’.”

“Research shows consumers are increasingly open to taking coffee anally. Also via the eyes.

“We’ve developed a special ‘Eye-a-cino’ that you administer under your eyelids with a pipette. The caffeine starts to work instantly and the permanent ocular damage is offset by a competitive edge in meetings.

“We’re also working on ‘Captain’s Blend’ suppositories but our marketing team says its hard to make putting things up your bum seem aspirational.”

Sales manager Emma Bradford said: “I’ve taken to crushing coffee beans and snorting them off a pen lid but the pain is quite intense, you have to stagger around holding your face and thumping the wall.

“It does sort you out though.”

Company director Stephen Malley said: “Even making deliberate paper cuts and rubbing coffee into them can’t keep me alert. Now I have to pay a ‘personal assassin’ to constantly to try to kill me throughout the working day.

“He hides under desks with a straight razor, always ready to pounce.”



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I'm dancing frantically and trying to get off with the dog

Dear Holly,

I recently read in the news that middle class women like me are drinking too heavily. Admittedly, I do like to quaff the odd box of Chenin Blanc of an evening, but I thought I had this under control. If my kids are in bed sleeping, what difference does it make if I am in the kitchen dancing frantically to Gloria Gaynor wearing only my pants and trying to get off with the dog?



Dear Denise,

I think that mummies drinking alcohol is a good thing. For starters, it makes them much more likely to give you a whole packet of Haribo for your tea. It also means that they won’t make you do your homework or watch Dancing on Ice with them as usual. Instead, while mummy is busy sobbing like a banshee as she rearranges the living room furniture to Cotton Eyed Joe, you can start trying to light a real fire in the hearth of the dolls’ house or make some cocktails from all the pretty drinks you found under the sink.

Hope that helps!